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**PHILADELPHIA —** After a nail-biting, heart-stopping, bring-your-own-defibrillator kind of victory over the Browns, the Eagles’ resident philosopher and right tackle, Lane Johnson, laid bare the startling truth about his team’s offense in a manner only he could deliver without getting immediate psychiatric help.

“We’re a constipated offense,” Johnson declared, dropping such wisdom like it was the latest TikTok trend. “That’s what it f—ing feels like.”

Now, before you picture the Eagles’ offense as a bathroom waiting to happen, let’s clarify: they didn’t play like a total dumpster fire. They pulled off a win — which, if you’re into this whole ‘sports’ thing, is what they call ‘a good day at the office.’ But scoring just 20 points and missing the first-quarter score sheet for the fifth straight game in the 2024 season? That’s like showing up to a potluck with just a bag of stale potato chips. And those issues have roots deeper than my last attempt at vegetable gardening.

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With a roster that could be mistaken for a casting call for ‘The Avengers,’ the Eagles’ inconsistency is nothing short of disappointing. Johnson, full of hope and existential dread, lamented, “We’re definitely frustrated. We have a lot of ability, a lot of talent, and we are making games more competitive than they need to be. It’s like we’re on a reality show called ‘America’s Next Top Disappointment.’”

The Eagles finished with 372 yards and 19 first downs, which sounds like a great day at the office unless you check their drive chart. Then it’s like finding out your favorite pizza place just added pineapple as a topping.

“Take a look at our drive chart,” said nobody ever, because it’s an exercise in sadism:

  • Punt
  • Punt
  • Field goal
  • Touchdown
  • Blocked FG
  • Punt
  • Field goal
  • Touchdown

Fun fact: the Eagles are currently the only team in the NFL that hasn’t scored in the first quarter this season, leaving them in some prestigious company. They’re basically in an elite club of teams no one wants to join—the fourth outfit in the last decade to receive such a glorious honor. If it were a social media trend, it’d have ‘going viral’ written all over it.

Jalen Hurts, the team’s quarterback and certified optimist, insisted “It’s all fixable.” Yes, well, so was my last attempt at assembling IKEA furniture, but we all see how that turned out. “I think the most important thing is getting the first down. That’s the genesis of everything good. Like, if you throw a punchline without a build-up, are you even funny?”

Stars A.J. Brown and DeVonta Smith proved they can make things happen when given half a chance—Brown racked up 6 catches, 116 yards, and a touchdown while Smith secured 3 for 64 and another touchdown. It’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet of points, only to realize everyone is waiting in long lines for the mediocre food. Meanwhile, tight end Dallas Goedert left the game like a magician disappearing into thin air after injuring himself in the first quarter. Poof. Thanks for playing!

Despite these performances and a win that feels like winning a game of rock-paper-scissors, some players believe the spark is still flickering. Smith chimed in, “Definitely leaving points off the table. Sure, we look good winning, but it’s like dressing well to go to a restaurant that serves cardboard pizza.”

But, really, how long can they keep this charade going? Will they remain positive until the end of days? Smith was evasive: “I don’t know. Hopefully, that time don’t come.” Spoiler alert: it might just creep up like the bill after a series of wild nights out. Cheers, Eagles! Enjoy your living nightmares of first quarters!

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