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In a shocking turn of events that could only happen in the land of golden arches, McDonald’s USA president Joe Erlinger bravely stood before the masses this Wednesday to declare that the fast food titan can “restore confidence” amid a charming little E. coli outbreak that has lovingly embraced its Quarter Pounders like an over-eager relative at Thanksgiving. Apparently, the secret to healthiness is just one E. coli bacterium away from “delicious.”
“Rest assured, our classics are still on the table!” Erlinger proclaimed, while simultaneously removing the Quarter Pounder from the menu—a move he described as “swift and decisive,” much like that first bite into a juicy burger that turns tragic. “We’re just trying to create a fond memory for your stomach—preferably one that doesn’t involve a trip to the hospital.”
As he confidently attempted to patch up their reputation, Erlinger was all smiles on NBC’s “TODAY” show, even as the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began searching for the ingredient that was playing bad cop in this culinary drama. It might be onions. It could be a rogue rancher’s beef. The mystery is on par with the plot twists of a telenovela.
After all, customers are still flocking to the drive-thru, blissfully unaware of their imminent doom. When asked if the outbreak would hurt the company’s long-term reputation, Erlinger mused fondly about McDonald’s founder, who wisely said, “If you take care of our customers, the business will take care of itself.” Because nothing says customer care like the promise of a heart attack with a side of fries.
As it turns out, at least 49 patrons across 10 states have become eager participants in this debut E. coli club, while one unlucky elderly gentleman in Colorado has taken the act a touch too far and met his end—presumably “loving it” just a bit too literally. Ten others hospitalized—including a child with a fresh case of hemolytic uremic syndrome—are probably wishing for a simple salad instead of E. coli royalty.
In true tragicomedy fashion, customer Mike Railey found himself questioning the fate of his breakfast bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit amidst McDonald’s chaotic atmosphere. “Not worth the risk,” he sighed, blissfully unaware that his pastries could still clobber him with calorie aspirations. Meanwhile, Aaron Chapa, one of the company’s more dedicated followers, riskily partook in a cheeseburger while proudly announcing he survived his recent Quarter Pounder rendezvous—like a contestant freshly emerged from a reality TV show. “I’m probably fine,” he shrugged with the confidence of someone who believes McDonald’s would never betray him.
Despite the uncertainty swirling around them, some brave souls continued their pilgrimage to McDonald’s, vowing to customize their orders in a noble act of defiance against E. coli. It’s the kind of creativity that suggests maybe Black Friday would be a suitable occasion for ordering a side of salad, just in case.
As the rollercoaster of health crises continues at McDonald’s, Erlinger claimed they would let “the science lead our actions.” A move that certainly would make more sense than the science that intertwined E. coli with fast food beef. Just remember, folks, while the CDC tracks the outbreak like a detective in a noir film, symptoms like fever, severe cramps, and good old-fashioned vomiting might just be an example of fast food doing what it does best: cramming an experience right through your digestive tract.
And for the stockholders watching as their shares dipped by 7%, we can only hope their confidence isn’t as shaken as the stomachs of the ill-fated diners. McDonald’s was cruising towards a magical recovery only to be knocked off course by our dear friend E. coli. But then again, what’s a little food safety issue among friends?
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