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The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has unleashed another thrilling episode of “Will It Kill You?” This week’s contender? The ever-popular McDonald’s Quarter Pounder, now touted as a juicy source of E. coli, with a side of regret. At least 49 unfortunate souls across 10 states are screaming, “What have I done?” as they clutch their bellies in betrayal, including one unlucky elderly person who decided to take that leap beyond the drive-thru into the great burger void.
Amidst the digestive drama, ten people are now residing in hospitals, one of whom is a child grappling with the joys of hemolytic uremic syndrome—talk about a real-life horror story that nobody ordered! Most victims seem to hail from Colorado and Nebraska, proving that cheeseburgers are not just a taste issue, but also a geographic one.
The CDC, now casting itself as the health detective in this culinary caper, reports that the common thread among the sick is a strong affinity for Quarter Pounders. Who knew that ordering fast food could result in an impromptu plot twist involving deadly bacteria?
The investigation is zipping along faster than a kid at a birthday party, as the FDA unveils that slivered onions may be playing the villain in this greasy tale. That’s right, folks—those innocent-looking toppings have turned into the culinary equivalent of a “Breaking Bad” episode, causing chaos and digestive distress from coast to coast.
In response to this onion-related uprising, McDonald’s has decided to temporarily ditch these troubling toppings and its beloved quarter-pound beef patties in several states. Tragically, the beef patties remain exclusive to the Quarter Pounder, and the onions are pretty much doomed to a life of anonymity in the fast-food graveyard.
According to McDonald’s, they’ve traced these rebellious onions back to a single supplier for three distribution centers—ringing endorsements for the concept of “shared blame” in the fast-food universe. The company is now scrambling to replenish supplies faster than you can say “Big Mac.”
The FDA has gone full bomb squad mode, removing slivered onions and quarter-pound patties from states like Colorado, Kansas, and Utah, while also recommending a cautious approach to everyone who thinks a night out with the Quarter Pounder is still a good idea. But hang tight, onion-less burger fans in other states; your fix may just take a little longer to arrive… if McDonald’s stock doesn’t take a nosedive first!
If you’ve had the misfortune of consuming one of these E. coli-laden delights, brace yourself for potential symptoms that resemble a weekend after too many shots of tequila: severe stomach cramps, fever, and possibly a vomiting fiesta. If you’re lucky, these symptoms will clear up within a week, leaving you only mentally scarred—unless you happen to require hospitalization, in which case, welcome to the club!
For anyone who dares to risk it all and persists in ordering a Quarter Pounder, the CDC advises you to seek medical attention fast if you start feeling unwell. And don’t forget to spill the beans to your doctor about your fast-food decisions; after all, sharing is caring, even in times of stomach distress.
As McDonald’s reassures us that their “top priority” is safely serving customers every single day (how comforting!), the company is left to grapple with the financial fallout as their stock plummets like a sad flaccid fry in after-hours trading. Cheers to the fast-food fiasco—it’s not just a meal; it’s an adventure!
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