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In a delightful twist of logic, the Department for Health and Social Care has decided to stay mum after reports surfaced that Downing Street is poised to stop a Ban on outdoor smoking. I mean, why address a killer that’s claiming 80,000 lives a year when we could instead prioritize the vibrancy of pub gardens and outdoor dining? Who needs a smoke-free UK when you can martyr your lungs for a pint of lukewarm lager?
Back in the realm of hope, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer once graced us with the idea of combating those pesky preventable deaths with – get this – a Ban on outdoor smoking. Yes, let’s just imagine a world where one can enjoy a nice meal without roasting the taste buds in the savory aroma of second-hand smoke. But, alas, the hospitality moguls were not thrilled about losing their clientele of ashtray aficionados. Apparently, a puff of smoke is more critical to our national identity than, say, saving lives.
As Downing Street blocks this audacious proposal from the upcoming Tobacco and Vapes bill, an official resigned to the absurdity quipped, “It is an unserious policy. Nobody really believes smoking outdoors is a major health problem.” Clearly, the finest logic of our time – because, really, it’s just a little cancer with your cocktails, right?
A spokesperson from the elusive Department for Health and Social Care reiterated that they wouldn’t comment on leaks, but did acknowledge smoking’s hefty toll on the NHS and taxpayers. They’re protective of children and non-smokers too, apparently. So, we get it: they’re just trying to ensure that if you’re going to die, at least do it indoors where they’ve already spent billions on the NHS.
With the hospitality sector rallying against the outdoor smoke Ban as if it were a tyrannical regime, we wonder what a partial outdoor smoking Ban might look like. Maybe just have a designated ‘healthy lung’ area of the pub where smokers can enthusiastically blow their deadly smoke into the fresh air that everyone else is trying to enjoy. Genius, isn’t it?
While the hospitality industry warns this Ban would be the “final nail in the coffin” for pubs, let’s not ignore the irony — it’s only the patrons that get nailed, and often in those very pubs, while they light up another round of bad decisions alongside their cigarettes.
In conclusion, a potential outdoor smoking Ban remains an ongoing “discussion”, and as we wait for the great minds of the nation to decipher if smoking kills fewer people outdoors than in, we can take comfort in the knowledge that pubs will remain havens for all manner of indulgent behavior. Cheers to that, and may your vices be ever more convenient!
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