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In the latest episode of “How Low Can You Go?”, Florida’s health department decided to serve up a delicious cease-and-desist buffet, complete with a side of litigation threats, for local TV stations daring to air a heartfelt ad about abortion rights. Apparently, who knew that showing a brain cancer survivor discussing life-saving medical decisions could trigger such a response?
According to John Wilson, the ex-general counsel for Florida’s Department of Health and all-around former team player, he was handed pre-written letters on October 3, like they were hot tips on stock picks in a sketchy investment seminar. He was told to send them out under his own name, which is basically corporate karaoke at its finest—why not sing someone else’s lyrics with your own flair?
“I didn’t draft the letters,” Wilson asserted, like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar but desperately wishing to take credit for inventing cookies instead.
Shortly after these dramatics, Wilson decided to peace out, resigning in a theatrical show of conscience akin to a soap opera star leaving mid-scene. In his resignation letter worthy of a Broadway finale, he lamented, “A man is nothing without his conscience.” Clearly, having a clean conscience in the back of a Florida government office is as rare as finding a needle in a haystack—or perhaps, as elusive as a unicorn doing paperwork.
Meanwhile, our fearless leaders, Ryan Newman and Jed Doty, seemed to be playing the role of villains in our governmental drama, ordering Wilson to find outside attorneys to assist in their heroic quest against media stations. It’s like a high-stakes game of chess, but no one knows whether the pieces are even on the board.
Spokespersons for the DeSantis administration were asked for comments but responded faster than a cat in a bathtub—silently and completely avoiding eye contact.
The drama unraveled when local TV stations began airing an ad by the Floridians Protecting Freedom crew, boasting about their plans to take back control over abortion rights in Florida. Because who doesn’t love a good state constitutional showdown over personal health decisions?
The ad features Caroline, our brave brain cancer survivor, sharing her near-death experience that resulted from adhering to the state’s wrong side of history laws. Spoiler alert: life isn’t a romantic comedy when your health is on the line, and the quirkiness of Florida’s laws makes the plot even more convoluted.
Then came the cease-and-desist letters—buzzkill, anyone? The letters wielded threats powerful enough to turn a local news director’s coffee into lukewarm dread, essentially saying, “Play nice or else”—accompanied by a proverbial sword over their heads.
As if that wasn’t enough to raise eyebrows, Floridians Protecting Freedom retaliated by filing a lawsuit claiming Wilson and his accomplice, Joseph Ladapo, were using unconstitutional coercion tactics against the stations. Because nothing says freedom like dragging issues through the courts with one hand while holding a “Freedom!” sign in the other.
In a plot twist not even the best TV writers could concoct, a federal judge agreed that the department’s threats were indeed “viewpoint discrimination,” granting a temporary restraining order faster than a speeding ticket on the freeway.
Not one to overlook the fun, FCC chairwoman Jessica Rosenworcel applauded the stations, noting how dangerous it is when the government plays puppet master, pulling strings to silence opposing views. Who would have thought that free speech might actually mean something after all?
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