Denny’s Decides to Close 150 “Denny’s” — Who Knew There Were So Many?

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In a bold move reminiscent of a midlife crisis, Denny’s has decided to bid adieu to 150 of its least beloved diners, proving once again that not all nostalgia is worth revisiting. “Out with the old and in with the slightly less old!” quipped Stephen Dunn, the executive who’s clearly spent more time around tired booths than at a trendy brunch spot. Yes, folks, Denny’s, the 70-year-old titan of greasy breakfasts, is shuttering an impressive 10% of its locations, possibly out of concern that those cracked vinyl seats are starting to qualify for AARP membership.

As sales plummet like a pancake from a griddle, executives lament the shift in dining habits that has caused patrons to flee to fast-casual havens like Chipotle—where the guacamole is overpriced but at least doesn’t come with a side of existential dread. With family dining apparently losing popularity faster than a hit reality show, Denny’s is pulling a classic move: slapping together a value menu and hoping it’s enough to turn this ship around. Because when you’re drowning, all you really need is the comforting weight of a cheap skillet to anchor you down.

In a culinary twist of irony, Denny’s delivery-only brands, like Banda Burrito, are reportedly doing well, highlighting that even in a world where dining rooms feel more ghost town than hometown, people will still pay for the convenience of avoiding their own kitchen disasters. So, while the rest of America frets over skyrocketing restaurant prices leaving them exposed and vulnerable at home, Denny’s shares took a dive so steep one might think they were trying a new breakfast special: the stock pancake.

As Denny’s continues to wade through its identity crisis, one can only wonder: what will become of those iconic coffee cups filled with lukewarm regrets? Perhaps the real tragedy isn’t closing shop; it’s realizing the American dream was simply a bottomless cup of mediocre coffee all along. Cheers to that!