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In a political duel that feels more like a bizarre episode of a reality TV show than a serious election race, Rep. Scott Perry—our favorite MAGA-loving, election-distrusting congressman and former Freedom Caucus head—is up against Janelle Stelson, a candidate who seems to be throwing darts at a wall covered in the many shades of political insanity. Stelson, the ex-TV anchor turned campaign crusader, is laying it on thick, taking jabs at Perry’s penchant for abortion restrictions, his role as a primary auditioning actor on the January 6th caper, and his ability to grumble loudly about bipartisan bills while doing absolutely nothing to help homeless veterans or those exposed to toxic burn pits. It’s like watching a comedy with bad lighting — too many issues being juggled and nobody really knows what’s at stake.
Stelson, assuming the role of the insightful outsider, promises to unravel the “partisan nonsense” Perry embodies, while also trying to convince voters that her four decades of storytelling on their local screens qualifies her for political office—as if having a superpower to report the weather gives her the authority to rescue this swing district from the grip of what she calls Perry’s extremism. It’s akin to a contestant on a cooking show declaring they’re qualified to own a Michelin star because they’ve once boiled water correctly.
Perry, meanwhile, in true politician fashion, has been doing his best to dismiss her rhetorical flourishes as mere DCCC talking points—as if he was living rent-free in his own conspiracy theories about common sense. He’s busy playing the victim on national television while claiming that he hasn’t heard a whisper from Stelson about crime or foreign policy, because apparently, it’s better to scream “abortion” into the abyss rather than address the entire dumpster fire that is American life today.
And then there’s the whole thorn-in-the-side thing; Perry strolls into his narrative as the rebellious GOP member so deep in the mud of January 6th that he’s got a permanent tan. After dancing a jig over the overturning of Roe v. Wade, he’s stuck on the defensive. His past of not-so-casual complicity in trying to turn over democracy has given Stelson plenty of ammunition, turning his political career into a twisted game of “Would You Rather?” where you debate whether you’d prefer him in office or a tax audit.
At the coffee shop where Stelson’s initial launch took place, patrons are rallying around her like she’s the new barista making drinks while spinning philosophical debates on healthcare and safety. Meanwhile, Perry’s phone keeps ringing with whispered scuttlebutt about his “dancing after the Dobbs ruling,” while trying to convince the world that his legislative decisions are designed for the greater good, right before he votes down a bill that would secure pensions for veterans, calling it too “broad.”
In the bizarre circus of American politics, we find ourselves spectators capturing a snapshot of discourse that rivals the absurdest comedy sketches. As the chasm between their ideologies widens further, we keep watching to see if anyone will emerge holding a trophy labeled “Best in Show” or if we’ll just settle back down into our popcorn and gawk as the walls of rationality crumble around them. Buckle up, folks; this is just the opening act.
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