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In an intriguing twist on “how not to win friends and influence people,” a free family planning center in the quaint town of Twin Falls, Idaho, takes a decidedly *not-so-private* approach to client care, demanding sensitive personal info that would make even your nosiest relative blush — including your religion and financial status. Surely, who wouldn’t want to disclose their bank account balance to a place with “women’s center” in the name?

The Sage Women’s Center assures visitors that their findings are kept in a vault resembling Fort Knox — except it’s not legally obligated to follow any privacy laws. So, what happens to that information as it slips from your lips? Well, consumer advocates liken it to whispering secrets to a very chatty librarian.

While these crisis pregnancy centers, under the guise of offering guidance, are subtly steering women away from the “A” word (abortion, if we didn’t make that abundantly clear), their *client intake forms* are about as inviting as a stranger asking to see your social security card at a bar. But hey, nothing says “we care” quite like a questionnaire designed to assess just how “abortion vulnerable” you are!

The Campaign for Accountability, a watchdog group with the mission of making sure no one slips through the cracks of dubious medical practices, decided to peek behind the curtain and unearthed these intake forms. It seems like someone’s been playing “who wants to mislead a client?” with charming little prompts like “Who would support your decision if you decide to abort your pregnancy?” Isn’t that just the kind of conversation starter you’d expect from your friendly neighborhood women’s clinic?

Idaho’s Attorney General, Raúl Labrador, is apparently giving this center a hard look after all the concerned buzz, but don’t expect a soap opera finale where he uncovers a hidden treasure of ethical practices. Instead, he’s just “looking into” whether these intake forms might make the average patient feel a smidge uncomfortable.

As they dive into the depths of information gathering, Sage’s papers go full-on detective mode, urging staff to meticulously document clients’ emotional displays during their appointment—meaning yes, they’re watching your every laugh, cry, and “please get me out of here” glance during that ultrasound. Truly, a future in psychiatry awaits.

The intake forms also come with a scoring system to assess abortion vulnerability — because nothing zaps your self-esteem quite like being rated on a scale of “likely to have a child” to “this is gonna get messy.” And let’s not forget the charming little Bible passages the site’s volunteers are encouraged to share, because who doesn’t love a bit of spiritual motivation while contemplating a life-altering decision?

In the fine print of Sage’s promise to keep everything absolutely *confidential* lies a big fat exception for “when required by law” or “when we think you might hurt yourself” — all lovely grounds for an unexpected text to local law enforcement or a nosy family member, one would assume.

Not surprisingly, the medical community is raising an eyebrow over the bizarre questionnaire, with some doctors equating it to “a Jurassic Park-level experience of questioning.” “It’s clearly all about just trying to make sure she doesn’t go for an abortion,” remarked the unintentionally hilarious Dr. Linda Prine, who declared that the gaping differences between these forms and standard clinic practices are alarmingly prominent.

Despite claiming to abide by the federal Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) — the sacred protection of your medical data — Sage’s “free” services take those safeguards and toss them out the window, like a toddler who just found out they’re getting cookies after dinner. In short: “Free” doesn’t mean *privacy* in this neck of the woods.

So, for the unassuming women of Twin Falls, the only real certainty when stepping into Sage is leaving with a lot more questions than answers — about your pregnancy, your spiritual well-being, and, of course, that nosy neighbor’s suggestion that you not have children until you’ve secured your Netflix subscription.

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