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In a plot twist that could only happen in a B-list crime thriller, Thomas Kavanagh, the brainiac behind the Kinahan organised crime group, has been handed a six-year vacation in the cozy confines of a prison cell. His grand scheme? To convince authorities to award him a softer sentence for his multimillion-pound drug smuggling gig by presenting them with an arms cache he orchestrated while already enjoying the five-star amenities of incarceration. Ah, the irony!
Kavanagh, it seems, thought he was the Tony Stark of the criminal underworld, attempting to lead the National Crime Agency (NCA) on a treasure hunt to find a hidden stash of eleven “fearsome” weapons, which allegedly include a delightful assortment of machine guns and automatic handguns. Nothing screams “I’m reforming!” quite like a bag of machine guns, right?
While locked up for smuggling “multiple kilos” of the finest cocaine into the UK—a hobby, one might say—he conspired with his brother-in-law and various associates, proving that family ties are indeed valuable, especially in planning questionable escapades. Who knew the Easter egg hunts of old could turn into such elaborate criminal enterprises?
Between the years of 2020 and 2021, this top-notch trio agreed to acquire as many arms as possible across various countries, including the UK, Netherlands, and Northern Ireland—because what’s a little international crime among friends? They even provided the NCA with a map to the treasure, which is probably one of the worst ideas since deciding maple syrup was a suitable substitute for gasoline.
Of course, nothing says “mastermind” quite like thinking encrypted chat apps are a guarantee of privacy—the French police cracked EncroChat faster than Kavanagh could say “oops.” In their digital war room, they supposedly discussed the merits of burying their weapons, which sounds like a high-stakes game of “the floor is lava,” but with far more severe consequences.
After pleading guilty before the Old Bailey, it seems Kavanagh’s plan backfired spectacularly, resulting in a six-year stretch—because who doesn’t love a good plot twist? Meanwhile, his accomplices got varying sentences, but let’s not kid ourselves, in the world of crime, the real punishment is being stuck among those chatty folks who think trading armaments is just another Tuesday.
In the end, Kavanagh will serve his time consecutively—because when you’re already locked up for years on drug charges, what’s another six years for trying to do the judicial system a solid by unearthing your own hiding spots? One can only assume that after this escapade, his next crime venture will be equally as majestic as a three-legged race at a family picnic. Cheers to dark humor in the criminal underbelly, where everyone’s got a plan until it’s foiled by a little thing called “logic.”
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