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In a scene that can only be described as a catastrophic family reunion for the Dallas Cowboys, they were obliterated at home on Sunday by the Detroit Lions, who apparently brought their A-game and a side of irony, finishing the contest with a score of 47-9. This latest embarrassment marks the Cowboys’ fourth consecutive home loss dating back to last postseason, which is quite the achievement for a team that once thought “home field advantage” was more than just a Pinterest board.
It was a bit of poetic justice for the Lions, who were still nursing wounds from last season’s nail-biter, where a highly scientific procedural penalty snatched away their victory like a kid taking away a toy from a toddler—an absolute travesty. This time around, however, they returned the favor with a smackdown that could only be compared to a toddler running headlong into a wall.
Detroit quarterback Jared Goff, the man of the hour, showcased his inner precision surgeon, completing 18 of 25 passes for 315 yards and three touchdowns. Meanwhile, his supporting cast in the running game churned out another 184 yards and two scores, proving that the Cowboys’ defense was about as effective as a chocolate teapot.
By halftime, the Cowboys were down 27-6, a distressing trend for a team that seems to have mistaken the first half for a leisurely stroll through a deserted park. In their last four home games, they’ve been outscored 110-35 in the first half, thus solidifying their position as early exit artists. Once boasting an 8-0 home record last regular season, it seems Dallas decided to trade in their fortune for a catchy new title: “The Turnover Team.”
The Lions’ offensive strategy was about as effective as a clever phone lock on a toddler’s tablet, with running backs David Montgomery and Jahmyr Gibbs combining for a remarkable 143 yards on 24 carries. Montgomery especially impressed, dragging a defender into the end zone like a cat carrying a dead mouse, which is either a sign of great strength or a scream for help on the defense’s part.
On the other side of the field, Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott had what some might call a “challenging” day, throwing for only 178 yards with no touchdowns and two interceptions before his inevitable exit on a milk crate in the fourth quarter. If “throwing under pressure” was an Olympic sport, he’d be a gold medalist by now, being sacked four times like a piñata at a birthday party.
In just three home games this season, Prescott has managed to throw three touchdowns against four interceptions, so his New Year’s resolution of “Throw less pickles, more touchdowns” is clearly still pending. As if that wasn’t enough to shatter his confidence, the loss manned the Cowboys to a sulking third place in the NFC East, trailing behind the Eagles and the surprising-but-least-surprising Commanders.
The Lions are now enjoying a comfortable seat at 4-1 while still playing second fiddle to the undefeated Minnesota Vikings, who might want to start their fan club with a motto of “Just Don’t Resemble the Cowboys.” But tragedy befell Detroit as well; star pass rusher Aidan Hutchinson was lost to a leg injury that looked like it hurt just from watching. He’s now reconsidering his life choices, likely pondering if being a lion in the NFL was worth the pain.
Just in time for week 7, the Lions will face off against the Vikings. And what about the Cowboys? They get a bye week to contemplate their life decisions and give Dak’s arms a much-deserved rest before meeting the San Francisco 49ers on October 27.
After the game, beleaguered Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was asked if he was considering a coaching staff overhaul. His response was as clear as his team’s defensive strategy: “I haven’t even considered that,” he said of the possibility of moving on from Mike McCarthy. “I’m not considering that, so you’re clear.” That should instill confidence, right?
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