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In a scene plucked straight from a political thriller gone wrong, Colorado’s election integrity just got a shocking twist worthy of a low-budget B-movie. At least a dozen mail ballots took a bold detour from honest voting to a life of crime, committing fraud in the dead of mail — because who doesn’t love a little electoral mischief?

Thanks to our devoted signature verification ninjas—who apparently moonlight as amateur detectives—officials swooped in with magnifying glasses and a “not today, fraudsters” attitude. The ballots, having made their grand entrance via the U.S. Postal Service (but not in the cool, flashy drop boxes, mind you), were so audacious that they passed signature verification, only to be caught red-handed just before they took a joy ride to the counted column.

And here’s the kicker: despite all the flashiness of Colorado’s election security, three ballots managed to slip through the cracks and now stand triumphant in the hall of infamy, forever unremovable. “Colorado’s elections are safe and secure,” said Secretary of State Jena Griswold, who clearly believes this scandal is just a rough draft for a buddy cop movie titled “Ballots and Bandits.” The Colorado signature verification process sounds like a fun night of karaoke where the wrong signature steals the spotlight.

Meanwhile, in a plot twist even M. Night Shyamalan would applaud, the affected voters got the memo that their ballots were more questionable than a politician with a pet scandal. They discovered their precious votes were on a road trip to nowhere when they received notifications that signature discrepancies needed “curing” – because apparently this isn’t just an election; it’s a health and wellness retreat for ballots.

As the Mesa County district attorney stirs the investigative pot, perhaps contemplating the meaning of life and why anyone would steal a vote in the first place, they haven’t offered much comment. And despite the back-and-forth, nobody seems to know which poor candidates got tossed into this electoral dumpster fire.

Of course, folks in Mesa County are swimming in conspiracy theories like it’s a suspicious pool party—thanks to the likes of former clerk and aspiring supervillain Tina Peters, who’s fresh off a conviction from a previous comedy of errors involving election security.

So here we are, in the fabulous land of Colorado, where universal mail-in ballots are like free samples at a grocery store, eagerly offered to every registered voter, and touted as a triumph of accessibility. Just remember, folks: in the realm of democracy, always check your mail—because you never know when your vote may decide to throw a surprise party for fraud.

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