“Butterball to the Rescue: Turning Turkey Troubles into No-Fowl Play—Because Who Needs Stress with Your Stuffing?”

In the wild, wacky, and wonderfully absurd world of Thanksgiving, the age-old dilemma of whether to thaw a frozen turkey has reached epic proportions. Yes, nothing screams holiday cheer quite like a fast-frozen hunk of poultry marinating in existential dread as it awaits its fate in a hot oven.

Enter Butterball, the benevolent overlord of feathery feasts, with a so-called revolutionary invention that promises to turn your turkey-taming experience into a breezy two-step process. You can now simply rip off the plastic wrap and toss this rock-solid bird straight into the roaring fires of culinary destiny. Just don’t forget the oven mitts—those could become your only remaining attachment to reality after this journey.

Neil Saunders, our savvy retail oracle from GlobalData Retail, assures us that this “Cook from Frozen” marvel is especially attractive to our dear millennials and gen Zs, who are hosting their inaugural Thanksgiving, armed with little more than sheer optimism and possibly a TikTok video. “No more necks to wrestle with or giblets to wrangle!” he exclaimed, likely imagining a utopia where meal prep is right out of a sci-fi novel.

With the chaotic holiday rush, who needs the stress of deciding whether to baste, brine, or season? Thanks to a “specially formulated” brine designed to keep this bird from resembling last year’s dry Thanksgiving disaster, even the most novice cook can emerge from the kitchen wielding a triumphant fork. Just don’t ask what’s in that brine—it’s a closely guarded family secret that could rival the recipe for Coca-Cola.

However, in a particularly ironic twist, this convenience comes at a cost: stuffing. Yes, Butterball has pulled a classic corporate move by removing the ability to shove your grandma’s secret stuffing recipe deep into the turkey’s cavernous belly because, you know, *food safety*. Instead, you’ll have to cook the stuffing separately—because what’s a little more chaos when you’re already juggling a frozen poultry mass and a multitude of family expectations?

Look for this culinary marvel in your friendly neighborhood grocery store, where it’s available at trendy hot spots like Harris Teeter and Publix. Keep an eye out—if they run out, you might find yourself cooking with something else that is equally unrecognizable and utterly chaotic. Welcome to the absurdity of Thanksgiving, 2023!