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As the clock ticks down to Election Day—just 16 days left until the next real-life political horror show—Democratic governors of the “blue wall” states are getting all hot and bothered over Vice President Kamala Harris’s ground game. They’re practically polishing their crystal balls predicting she’ll be crowned queen, assuming the presidency doesn’t turn into a nail-biting episode of “Survivor: Election Edition.”

“Sure, I think she’s got this,” chirped Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro, clutching his lucky rabbit’s foot while chatting with ABC News’s Martha Raddatz. “We’re not afraid it’ll take more than a mere rabbit’s foot to get us past this finish line, and we’re working our butts off to make magic happen!” Of course, it’s clear all they need is the right pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and maybe a leprechaun to manage those pesky voter demographics.

Shapiro, Michigan’s Goth Queen Gretchen Whitmer, and Wisconsin’s Tony Evers convened for what they clearly hoped would be a “Hail Mary” bus tour—presumably with a side of political voodoo—across the critical battleground states. These three states are about as essential to a Democratic victory as a priest is to an exorcism. After all, they went red for the first time since 1992 in 2016, but loyalist Biden smuggled them back into the blue fold just four years later, proving that even ghost stories can have happy endings.

As it stands, if Harris can warm the hearts of voters in Michigan, Wisconsin—or hey, even snag that solo electoral vote in Nebraska’s 2nd District (because why not?)—she could just barely limp over the 270 electoral-vote line. It’s not like she needs a perfect score in this game of political dodgeball, right?

Polling averages show that the race is tighter than spandex at a family reunion, sending Whitmer to proclaim, “The only folks who aren’t surprised by these neck-and-neck polls are the four of us: we’ve got our eyes on the prize, and a pot of coffee to keep the determination flowing.” Evers chimed in, convinced that many voters are so profoundly uninterested in what’s happening that they might as well be spinning in circles.

In a classic “who wants to win Pennsylvania?” reality show, both parties have been pouring money into the state like it’s an endless piñata, with over $500 million spent on ads and good intentions. “We must win Pennsylvania! We have to win!” Shapiro bellowed, while silently praying to the gods of electoral chaos. “I believe our magical unicorn candidate is unbeatable compared to the terrifying dumpster fire that is Donald Trump!”

It’s a little upsetting how much of the electorate is, let’s say, irresistibly charmed by Trump, who Shapiro describes as great at delivering nothing beyond a silver-tongued shimmer. “The man doesn’t breathe without a mic, and despite a history of epic failures, he somehow gets people believing he’s the solution; it’s like watching a horror movie where he’s the main villain.”

Whitmer, meanwhile, adds, “He’s a tricksie hobbit, that one. He’s more broken than an IKEA table that’s two screws away from collapse. But hey, at least he’s got the crowds!”

This trio of governors is particularly concerned about getting out the vote amongst their natural allies—read: demographic groups that tend to prefer ice cream and civil rights over anarchy and tuna fish sandwiches. They’ve been sweating bullets because Black voter turnout in Wisconsin plummeted faster than a disgraced reality star’s career, and they can’t help fleeing at the thought of their Arab and Muslim constituencies getting cold feet thanks to the Biden administration’s questionable friendship with our not-so-friendly friends in the Middle East.

“Look, we still have time to turn this around. The ground game is beefed up; we can practically hear the invisible applause!” Evers insisted, while clutching a coffee like it was a talisman. They all know that the real winners tonight might just be the snarky producers crafting content about this entire debacle, replete with sound bites and viral moments.

As for the very real specter that is Trump? He’s already warming up the crowd for the next round of “I might scream rigged to bring the popcorn” blaming. It remains to be seen whether he’ll concede if the floating dime in the voting cosmos turns against him. “If the election is not rigged, we’re winning! If it is, well, that’s like asking if a fish can ride a bicycle,” he mused.

So as the governors sip their drinks, they collectively remind us that the fate of the democratic comedy is in the people’s hands. “We trust our states will count those votes like they’re counting the number of times I’ve said, ‘I have faith in the system,’” Shapiro grumbled, shooting a side-eye at any Fox News viewer within earshot. With anticipation and perhaps a well-placed pineapple pizza to ward off evil spirits, these three are gearing up for what might be either a victory lap or an epic cartoonish tumble into election chaos. Let the games begin!

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