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In a thrilling episode of “Birds Gone Wild,” the flu virus has taken its act to the stage, but don’t worry folks—there’s still no standing ovation for person-to-person transmission, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. They rolled out a riveting report on a Missouri patient who caught the much-dreaded H5N1, a virus that’s apparently too good for human company and prefers to fly solo for now.

Our protagonist from Missouri tested positive for bird flu back in August but had a more intriguing backstory: they had zero known connections to dairy cows or poultry. That’s right—forget “farm to table,” this tale is about “patient to isolate.” Despite H5N1 playing hopscotch with farm animals and feathered friends, it seems our Missouri patient wasn’t leaving breadcrumbs for the virus to follow back to their barnyard buddies. After a close call with some healthcare workers who cared for them, everyone involved was left scratching their heads as tests came back negative, confirming that the flu was simply too shy to mingle.

“Based on where we are in the universe of this investigation, we might as well wrap it up with a neat little bow,” Dr. Demetre Daskalakis of the CDC quipped, while we imagine him chuckling over a Thanksgiving turkey that doesn’t contain H5N1. In fact, one household member’s blood test indicated some antibodies, but a follow-up was about as conclusive as your uncle’s conspiracy theories at family gatherings.

The situation turned a bit more normal—if “normal” included gastrointestinal symptoms developing simultaneously in two individuals. The CDC suggests they might have been dining on similar dubious animal products, proving once again that sharing is caring, but it’s not all that hygienic. “Look, different methods led us to the same conclusion: the virus still thinks humans aren’t on the guest list,” said Dr. Nirav Shah, proving that the CDC is the real master of identifying red flags before the drama unfolds. Fortunately, all involved parties managed to recover and look forward to perhaps getting a flu shot instead.

A Bird-Brained Surge in the West

While the CDC reassures us that the chances of the H5N1 party crashing our personal gatherings are slim, they can’t ignore a growing number of birds bringing their swan song to those working closely with farm animals and wildlife. The outbreak has strutted across 14 states, infecting a mere 333 dairy herds so far—no biggie, right?

Two unlucky workers in Washington found themselves under the weather after working at a chicken culling operation, proving that the only thing worse than being “under the weather” is doing so while squaring off against chickens. Washington is now hosting a special CDC team, because nothing screams “urgent” like samples being run faster than a chicken with its head cut off.

California, claiming the title for the most star-studded bird flu cases (with a record 15 infections!), has also sent out a distress signal to the feds like a popular reality show pleading for more drama. Dr. Erica Pan from the state’s health department is checking in daily on farms dealing with H5N1, apparently to ask everyone the deeply probing question: “How are you? Any symptoms?” When we bet they meant to ask if the chickens have been practicing their lines.

Despite the chaos, it seems the symptoms for anyone who hasn’t joined the infected club have included mild discomfort—red, watery eyes as if they just binge-watched a rom-com, plus a few upper respiratory hiccups, because why not add some cough and sneezes into the mix? Other states joining the dizzy dance of H5N1 human cases include the wild west of Colorado, Michigan, and Texas—just in case you were wondering if there was a flu outbreak happening in your neck of the woods.

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