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President Joe Biden took a moment out of his busy schedule of dodging questions about inflation to honor Ethel Kennedy, who recently decided it was time to check out at the ripe old age of 96. At her funeral, he called her a “hero in her own right,” presumably because she almost made it out of Camelot without being assassinated. How’s that for a legacy?
Biden waxed nostalgic, reminiscing about how Ethel helped him through a difficult time after the tragic 1972 incident that made him a member of the “I’ve lost more than just an election” club. “She got me through a time I didn’t want to stick around,” he said, which raises the question: is there a support group for all these political figures who refuse to exit the stage gracefully?
The president continued, “Like she did for the country, Ethel helped my family find a way forward with principle and purpose,” because nothing screams ‘principle and purpose’ quite like the long history of backroom deals and political intrigue that characterized the Kennedy era. Talk about a family tree—it’s more like a family maze, where some branches end in the shadows of unsolved mysteries!
Kennedy’s passing once again drew the reverent eyes of history upon Biden, a man whose own political career has been tragically punctuated by death, speeches, and the occasional befuddling gaffe. As he glanced at the busts of Martin Luther King Jr. and Bobby Kennedy on his desk—his personal collection of moral compasses—one wonders if they sometimes give him side-eye during his more cringe-worthy moments.
In a sweet-but-slightly-creepy turn, Biden recalled receiving a Valentine’s Day card from Ethel, declaring, “I’m not Biden my time waiting for your Valentine,” confirming that even the most esteemed political families can’t resist a cringe-worthy pun. “That might be the best honor I’ve ever received,” he acknowledged, which is kind of like being awarded ‘Best Supporting Actor’ in a movie riddled with explosions and shoddy plot twists.
The Kennedy-Biden connection could be its own political soap opera—complete with romance, tragedy, and plot twists so convoluted they could double up as a pretzel factory’s instructions. All this drama culminated when RFK Jr. decided to go rogue, running as a third-party candidate and then fluffing off to endorse Donald Trump. Because why not throw a grenade into family dynamics at a funeral?
At the end of the day, Biden promised the Kennedy family, “The Biden family is here for you, as you’ve always been for us,” which is certainly a comforting sentiment—just as long as they’re not needing any help with their next political maneuver. After all, both families could probably write a best-selling novel titled “How Not To Handle Tragedy,” filled with tales that’ll make anyone question the sanity of pursuing politics in the first place.
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