Biden Celebrates Sinwar’s “Possible” Death as Path to Peace, While Netanyahu Orders More Fireworks

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In a world where “good news” seems to hollowly echo off the walls of tragedy, President Biden has declared the potential demise of Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar a “relief” for both Israel and the universe at large. Yes, because nothing screams resolution like a good old-fashioned confirmation of a death—especially one that hasn’t even been verified by the very people you’re claiming to have obliterated. Who needs solid Intel when you can just roll the dice and hope it works out in your favor?

Speaking of politics, Biden also ingeniously hinted that Sinwar’s untimely (or is it timely?) demise could pave the way for a “political settlement.” What an innovative idea—let’s just keep assassinating our way to peace! After all, the classic “kill first, ask questions later” strategy has always been a crowd-pleaser in international politics. U.S. officials are practically giddy at the thought, tagging the event as an “opportunity,” much like a coupon that expired six months ago but still promises the Moon.

Biden extolled how no terrorist is safe from the long arm of justice, which, while it might be true, leaves you to wonder: exactly how far is that arm stretching? And at what point does one declare that these “justice operations” are simply systematic failings dressed up in military camo?

As for Sinwar himself—who spent two decades perfecting the art of survival in prison before assuming leadership in Hamas—he was deemed a “critical figure.” What an understatement! It’s like calling a nuclear bomb a “large firecracker.” His tenure has somehow paralleled a dystopian soap opera, where the last season promises even more chaos after eliminating characters in dramatic fashion. Perhaps we should start laying bets on who gets knocked out next?

Then there’s the U.S. claim of a new, shining dawn for Gaza—freedom from Hamas, the war ending in utopia, and all that jazz. You’d think after 42,000 casualties—mostly civilians—the words “better future” would come with a side of bitter irony. Biden, in his jovial quest for a “day after,” seems to be operating on the notion that the Middle East can be rearranged like furniture in an unkempt living room. More chairs, less chaos, right?

Sadly for the U.S. optimism, the show must go on. Netanyahu’s insistence on continuing the war until “Total victory” proves that his team hasn’t seen the script—a revolutionary dialogue on peace does not begin until The Clock of Destruction strikes the hour of reconciliation.

Kamala Harris, looking to bridge the surreal gap between the happy talk from Washington and the grim reality on the ground, also chimed in, proclaiming it’s “time for the day after.” Because if there’s one thing that resonates in the chaotic aftermath of death and destruction, it’s the glib rhetoric of political contenders.

But as the sun rises on the rubble of Gaza, it appears the only certainty is the perpetuation of an endless cycle—an absurd theater where the players change, the stage gets bloodier, and the audience is left to awkwardly clap in the hope that maybe, just maybe, the next act might lead somewhere meaningful. Here’s to the tragedy of humanity, where dark humor is the only acceptable response to our collective folly.