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BERLIN — President Joe Biden, whose return flight to the U.S. now qualifies as a high-stakes superhero movie, swooped into town like the world’s oldest action figure, alongside German Chancellor Olaf Scholz. In what he hilariously proclaimed a “moment of justice,” they toasted the demise of Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar, whose résumé included a terrifying mix of blood and bad decisions stretching beyond borders.
“Talk about a messy cocktail!” Biden quipped, looking chummily over at Scholz. “He sure had a finger in every pie — American, Israeli, and even German! Who knew one man could ruin so many dinner parties?”
Next on Biden‘s to-do list: sending Secretary of State Antony Blinken on an intercontinental field trip to Israel. The agenda?! Discussing Gaza, hostages, and maybe squeezing in a little light existential reflection on the future of the Palestinian people. Biden, multitasking like a true pro, chit-chatted with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu while his plane flew over the Atlantic, where he cheerily suggested, “Let’s make lemonade out of blood and chaos. Let’s find a way to peace, sans Hamas, of course. No one wants the party crashers showing up uninvited!”
Scholz, ever the optimist, was feeling hopeful—perhaps the type who finds rainbows in storm clouds, saying, “With Sinwar out of the picture, maybe we’ll finally land ourselves a cease-fire and save the party!”
Meanwhile, in what felt suspiciously like an economic fundraiser for “War-Zones-R-Us,” Biden and his top table of world leaders, including British Prime Minister Keir Starmer and French President Emmanuel Macron, huddled together like worried parents discussing how to promote mischief in Ukraine against that perpetually grumpy neighbor, Russia. Reports indicated Biden had just plunked down another $400 million as a “thank-you gift” for Ukraine, like a clumsy relative at holidays who overdoes it on presents.
“The cost is heavy, but let’s face it — it’s much lighter than the living hell we’d face if we let the world be ruled by bullies,” Biden mused, brandishing his proposal like a cape against injustice. Give that man a medal, or better yet, how about a shiny new Grand Cross for topping the charts in making diplomacy look oh-so-good?
Scholz graciously obliged, offering up gratitude for Biden’s noble pursuit in freeing Russian prisoners like a kid trading Pokémon cards. One of those goodies included a Russian hitman, a choice that could only be described as “creative negotiation.”
At the gala to celebrate Biden’s elusive heroics, he was lauded as a “beacon of democracy” — good Lord, that sounds exhausting! Biden, overwhelmed as any person scolded twice in one day, accepted praise for “decadeslong dedication” to alliances, as Steinmeier, the German President, pinned a medal to his lapel. You could almost hear the flashbulbs pop in rhythm with snickers from the crowd, as everyone feigned sincerity over warm deliberations about world peace.
“Mr. President,” Steinmeier quaked with wide-eyed seriousness, “you’re proof that even the most powerful man in the world can be a decent human being!” Which, of course, sounds as reassuring as a bear hug from a porcupine.
As the awards streamed in, Biden pointed out the 35th anniversary of the Berlin Wall’s fall with an air of theatrics only politicians can muster, waxing poetic about human dignity as if he had just secured it in a cardboard box at a yard sale. “We must keep going until Ukraine walks off into the sunset with peace—like a Disney movie but with more tanks!” he beamed, closing what was undoubtedly one of the strangest diplomatic adventures in recent memory.
And so, with medals and applause in the air, the political circus rolled onto the next show, leaving us all to wonder when the next grand performance would hit the stage again. Sitting anxiously in the audience, just hoping the next act doesn’t crash and burn like a lit firecracker in a damp basement.
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