Apple and Goldman Sachs Face a Sour Financial ‘Core’ After Apple Card Dispute Fiasco!

Fast forward to a mildly entertaining headline: The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) just threw a glittering wet blanket over this elated Apple–Goldman Sachs partnership by ordering them to pay a staggering $89 million for what can only be described as a comedy of errors involving consumer disputes related to the Apple Card.

In a plot twist straight out of a farce, it seems Apple forgot to send a few emails, which resulted in tens of thousands of consumer disputes collecting more dust than some of those old iPods hiding in your closet. Meanwhile, when Goldman Sachs did finally receive the love letters—in the form of disputes—the result was akin to someone trying to fix a car with a breadstick, utterly unhelpful and probably a bit messy!

To lend some financial flair, the CFPB prescribed $45 million in civil penalties and $19.8 million in redress for Goldman Sachs, with Apple contributing a cheeky $25 million. Furthermore, in a move that can be likened to a corporate timeout, Goldman Sachs has been banned from rolling out any new credit cards until they can prove they have mastered the art of following the law. Because, you know, it turns out financial institutions can’t just make up their own rules… who knew?

“Apple and Goldman Sachs illegally sidestepped their legal obligations for Apple Card borrowers,” said CFPB Director Rohit Chopra, who probably didn’t see this brand of rebellion coming from the tech and finance giants. “Big Tech companies and big Wall Street firms should not behave as if they are exempt from federal law.” I mean, what a concept, right?

The Apple Card launched with promises of being a sleek, transparent alternative to other credit cards, hinging off the hyper-modern Apple Pay system. But instead of delivering on this utopian vision, it seems it led us to an enchanted forest of confusion, where consumers found themselves wondering why they were charged interest on those shiny new devices they thought they were financing interest-free. Spoiler alert: Goldman Sachs was about as forthcoming with the details as a magician is with their tricks.

The CFPB discovered some consumers were checking their credit reports and finding surprises that would make a birthday party seem dull by comparison. Imagine thinking your credit score was a harmonious song, only to realize you were actually loudly off-key!

“Apple Card is one of the most consumer-friendly credit cards that has ever been offered,” said Nick Carcaterra from Goldman Sachs, an assertion that likely left many chuckling into their overpriced lattes. “We worked diligently to address certain technological and operational challenges,” apparently meaning they tried to write a bunch of apology emails while their customer service phone lines got more calls than a reality show finale.

For its part, Apple insisted it’s a valiant knight in shining armor, working tirelessly with Goldman Sachs to resurrect the pride of the Apple Card. “While we strongly disagree with the CFPB’s characterization of Apple‘s conduct, we have aligned with them on an agreement,” stated an Apple spokesperson, likely with a glimmer of defiance and some freshly polished iPhones.

So, as we sit back and watch this corporate play unfold, let’s remember: in the world of finance, absurdity is just another Tuesday and any semblance of consumer protection might just be the punchline to the cosmic joke that is corporate America. Welcome to the show!

— CNBC’s Hugh Son and Steve Kovach contributed to this delightful disaster report.