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In what can only be described as an “exotic tech bath,” American cyber warriors now brace themselves for a delightful assault from the land of dumplings and karaoke. Yes, you heard it right! The America First Policy Institute, a top-notch think tank for anyone with a “Make America Great Again” baseball cap, has allegedly been visited by Chinese hackers—perhaps looking to borrow some of Trump‘s well-ripened Twitter wisdom? Sources tell us that if you’re gonna roast someone, you might as well roast the folks who slowdance at the thought of America being first (or at least first in line for the buffet).
Marc Lotter, the Chief Communications Officer of AFPI, sounds almost charmed by these “foreign actors,” exclaiming that their targeted attacks are par for the course—like a bad reality show that keeps getting renewed. “Who wouldn’t want to play with the cast of the America First movement?” he quipped, emphasizing their commendably speedy response time. Because nothing says “I’m organized” like a close run with foreign tech-savvy spies while flaunting their IT defenses like a middle schooler showing off their gym socks!
In a stunning plot twist typical of a Shakespearean farce, the cybersecurity measures are being ramped up to “business speed.” After all, who wants to be caught with their digital pants down? Despite the lurking menace, Lotter reassured the public that AFPI, much like America itself, would stay ahead of the game. Why creep at the speed of government when you can race at the speed of business? Forget about The Fast and the Furious; welcome to The Fast and the Suspicious!
Meanwhile, those dastardly Iranians didn’t sit quietly in their corner; they proceeded to allegedly hack Trump’s campaign like it was an open bar at a wedding they weren’t invited to. The Justice Department recently unveiled an indictment against three Iranian hackers, who apparently had their hand in the cookie jar (or should we say, the email inbox?). The charges range from computer hacking to identity theft—basically your typical “apologies if your social security number ends up on a t-shirt in Tehran” scenario.
What do these hackers have in common with reality TV stars? They all feel the need to invade privacy while sporting stylish jumpsuits—because what’s more fashionable than prison Orange? Their masterful tech skills, honed by the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, reportedly targeted everything from current officials to, get this, members of the media! I mean, that’s like invading a cooking show just to steal the secret recipe for success!
So there you have it, folks! In this modern digital circus where foreign hackers tango with political operatives, we can only laugh (or cry) at the absurdity of it all.
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