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In a plot twist befitting a dark comedy, federal prosecutors have decided to keep things interesting by charging a senior Iranian military official with conspiracy to whack an Iranian-American author right here on U.S. soil. Yes, you heard that correctly! Apparently, the best plot twist in a story about repression isn’t chilling in a library, but instead involves the charming pastime of international hit jobs. Masih Alinejad, the author in question, appears to have taken the news like someone winning the lottery—in a horror show. “It’s like I’ve been given a second life!” she proclaimed, presumably while clutching an oversized check and dodging any stray federal bullets.
Brig. Gen. Ruhollah Bazghandi, whose hobby is apparently “strategic assassination plotting” and resides in Iran, is one of the masterminds of this little escapade—while simultaneously being let loose on a government watchlist in a plot that feels almost Shakespearean. Four others are playing hide and seek in Iran, joining the ranks of “people related to Iran you really don’t want to bump into at a dinner party.” Meanwhile, Alinejad celebrates the news with hugs and tears, turning what could best be described as a “life-threatening situation” into an emotional Yelp review of American democracy. Who needs therapy when you can just embrace a group of FBI agents?
Attorney General Merrick B. Garland hopped on the bandwagon, declaring, “We will not tolerate efforts by an authoritarian regime like Iran.” Because nothing says “we mean business” quite like making a dramatic announcement while sipping on a latte, as Alinejad’s life hangs in the balance.
And in an act of cosmic irony, while Alinejad scrambles to get to Canada for a conference on the fine art of transnational repression—because who doesn’t hold those conferences in the age of Zoom?—she looks back with a tinge of guilt. After all, she’s being given a smattering of freedom while those back home are terrorized for the simple act of letting their hair breathe in the breeze. “They get killed for the crime of showing their hair,” she lamented, like it’s a tragic oversight in an otherwise booming hair salon industry.
While the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is designated a “global terrorist group” for its crafty international antics, Alinejad remains the star of the show, riding her bicycle down the streets of New York, reveling in the American version of “freedom,” all while moonlighting as the poster child for irony. In the end, she’s just a storyteller caught in a real-life drama that makes The Godfather look like a family-friendly outing. But hey, at least she refuses to be silenced—even while silently mourning those still stuck in a hair-raising nightmare.
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