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In a shocking twist of fate that nobody asked for, Amazon is strapping in for an election night spectacular that promises to be as exhilarating as waiting in line at the DMV. The e-commerce behemoth is rolling out the red carpet for its first live news caper anchored by the wise sage of disillusionment himself, Brian Williams. Yes, folks, grab your popcorn because starting at 5 p.m. ET on November 5, you can watch America’s favorite anchor leave no “unspun” stone unturned—all from the cozy confines of your couch, sporting pajamas and existential dread.
According to the grand sales pitch by Amazon, this one-night event will feature a riveting, “non-partisan presentation.” Whatever that means—because when was the last time anyone in politics was accused of being genuinely non-partisan? Expect a cavalcade of colorful opinions pulled from every corner of the media landscape, where the only thing appearing less biased than the coverage will be that oversized Prime membership logo sitting in the corner.
As if being unceremoniously dethroned from NBC wasn’t enough for Williams, he’s determined to reinvent himself yet again—this time channeling his inner news bard and bringing life to the event as he interviews guest analysts who will be wielding opinions like weapons in a kindergarten sandbox fight. Spoiler alert: No Prime subscription required! Because nothing screams “freedom of information” quite like free access to the opinions of self-proclaimed experts on a platform that also encourages you to buy six-foot inflatable flamingos on the side.
Now, if you think Amazon is just getting cozy with news to spread unbiased enlightenment, think again. They’re taking the same strategy they’ve adopted with live sports—because nothing gets the juices flowing like a little democracy sprinkled on top of a big ol’ advertising revenue sundae. With deals snagged for NBA games and “Thursday Night Football,” viewers can enjoy the spectacle of democracy melting under the incandescent glow of capitalism, which is somehow fitting, really. Why not weave together the political kaleidoscope with sports, since everyone prefers a halftime show to the grim spectacle of vote counts?
So buckle up, because as Amazon morphs into a “growing home for news viewers,” one can’t help but wonder what this means for democracy—perhaps it will end up like Prime delivery: quick, easy, and potentially immune to criticism as long as it arrives in two days or less. What a time to be alive, riding the wave of critical information and convenient shopping all in one go—just don’t forget to keep your sense of morality on the wish list!
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