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Surprise, surprise! It turns out that after tossing out Roe v. Wade like last season’s fashion, the number of abortions in the U.S. is actually rising. Who would’ve thought that making something less accessible would lead to more creative solutions?

According to an eye-opening report from the Society of Family Planning, during the spring of 2024—when everyone was busy watering their gardens and ignoring political chaos—an average of about 97,500 abortions were performed each month. If you squint just right, it’s almost like an uptick in demand for a service no one wants, yet everyone seems to need.

Of these abortion seekers, almost 80% opted for the in-person experience—because who doesn’t love a good trek to the clinic? But there’s a twist, folks! That figure’s actually down from last year by a few thousand. Looks like even the act of getting an abortion is getting hit hard by the “let’s minimize the hassle” trend.

Meanwhile, in a plot twist that could only exist in today’s reality, telehealth abortions are on the rise! Yes, you heard right. Women are now popping pills via mail like they’re ordering the latest fad diet, courtesy of remote consultations—because why not add a little convenience to the chaos?

You see, certain states have rolled out “shield laws,” which sound like something from a comic book. These legal lifebuoys allow providers in lenient states to send medication to women stranded in abortion-restrictive territories. In just a year, the number of abortions conducted through these laws has essentially turned from a trickle into a steady stream. Who would’ve guessed that some states would become the Supermen of reproductive health?

In fact, between summer 2023 and spring 2024, abortions under shield laws jumped from about 5,700 to over 9,700 a month. We’re talking about a rise that would make most stock traders weep with envy. It’s almost as if women have become part-time road-trippers on what used to be a straightforward medical journey.

“In this heavily restricted environment,” stated the ever-optimistic Dr. Ushma Upadhyay, “medication abortion via telehealth is revolutionizing access.” Who could have thought that making people jump through hoops could lead to burgeoning innovation in reproductive health? Chalk that up to the human spirit!

Of course, not every state is aligning with this forward-thinking trend. In Texas—where “How far can you go for an abortion?” has become a popular state pastime—the average trek increased from a leisurely 15 minutes to an exhausting eight hours post-Dobbs. Despite the distance, over 17,000 women still made the journey, proving that when the going gets tough, the tough get going… even if it involves a lot of gas money.

In the cosmic game of reproductive whack-a-mole, policymakers are attempting to reformulate the rules, but the reality doesn’t always match the intentions. As states gear up for a slew of votes that could redefine abortion access this election season, one thing is for sure: policymaking in this arena feels a lot like that game where the whack-a-moles pop up randomly to ruin your day—only now they’re called “unmet needs.”

Ah, Florida! Where a six-week Ban just kicked in amid a frenzy of hand-wringing from everyone who thought they understood “family values.” Between March and May, the state saw 2,500 fewer in-person abortions, whereas shield laws only added around 400. Talk about a business model that needs rethinking.

“As access tightens, the need persists,” says Dr. Alison Norris, lamenting how the powers that be seem to think that wishful thinking will substitute for actual healthcare. “The demand continues to rise even as people are forced to travel across state lines like they’re on a desperate road trip.” So pack your bags, folks—it’s going to be a wild ride!

Since March 2023, #WeCount has noted a small but cheeky uptick in abortions each month. Yet they caution that these figures don’t quite capture the bizarre reality many women find themselves in—self-managed abortions and women caught in legislative limbo who can’t even access care. It’s like watching a cruel game show where the prize is just a bit of autonomy!

Paradoxically, as women navigate through these convoluted pathways, birth rates and infant mortality have soared post-Dobbs. It’s like a twisted lottery where the grand prize is unplanned pregnancies and a delayed birth certificate. Who knew healthcare could be this much fun?

As researchers noted, estimating how many women had to carry unwanted pregnancies to term is impossible—much like finding a needle in a haystack. But this is America, where access to basic healthcare is just a game of legislative roulette. And just remember: the only blasted guarantee is that even in states that say they allow abortion, the reality often paints a much darker picture of access.

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