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In a shocking twist that could be straight out of a baseball-themed horror movie, Hurricane Milton has decided to audition for the role of “Most Destructive Force of Nature” by laying waste to Tropicana Field in Tampa, Florida. Local officials are now pondering where the Tampa Bay Rays will throw their next tantrum—err, we mean, play ball—next spring. Hurricane Milton: the MVP of 2023’s extreme weather league.
It seems Tropicana’s geographical charm (also known as “being near water”) has made it the perfect stage for Mother Nature’s violent theatrics. With hurricanes auditions being open to baseball stadiums nationwide, we might soon see other teams reinventing their home fields as liquid obstacle courses. Check your insurance premiums, folks, they’re about to get more expensive than a luxury box at the Super Bowl.
Of course, it’s not just the diamond-dwellers who are sweating bullets. The NFL is prepping for a staggering $11 billion in climate-related losses by 2050, according to a new report from Climate X. When you spend that kind of dough, you expect your stadium to withstand more than just the occasional fan throwing nachos.
As football stadiums start moonlighting as concert venues, storm shelters, and overpriced community cookouts, you’ve got to wonder, will they ever be able to just host a game? Climate X warns that the rapidly shifting weather patterns are basically like teenage moods: unpredictable and often destructive.
In Arizona, the Diamondbacks are having their own heat-induced crisis. Their Chase Field is less a stadium and more a sauna, with temperatures this summer making even the Sun rethink its life choices. It’s like they’re trying to turn the entire season into an episode of “Survivor: Desert Edition.” With a lease running until 2027, they’re stuck in a pit sweat, hoping their air conditioning holds up.
Meanwhile, on the frigid side of things, a snowstorm in 2010 gave the Minnesota Vikings a free roof collapse, proving that Mother Nature truly doesn’t care whether you’re a football fan or just there for the overpriced hot cocoa. Who knew extreme weather had a it out for stadium architecture?
Among the standouts for stadium doom is MetLife Stadium, where Climate X predicts a loss rate of 184%. Who knew being in the marshy Meadowlands would come with a side of “swamp creature” risks? It’s like living in a perpetual Jason Bourne movie, except instead of assassins, you have rain-soaked fans getting swept away.
But fear not! Some stadiums are fighting back. Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas celebrated its Super Bowl with 100% renewable energy, probably while also offering cocktail waitresses that look like they’ve walked off a solar farm. Bravo! Mercedes Benz Stadium in Atlanta claims it reduces energy consumption by 29%, so they might just win the “greenest stadium” award by default.
Ultimately, as we look at the battered Tropicana Field, one must question whether it’s worth repairing. After all, it’s already on death row for demolition, with plans for a shiny new $1.3 billion ballpark scheduled to open just in time for the next apocalypse—or, you know, the 2028 season.
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