Wisconsin to Vote on Whether Not to Let the Nonexistent Noncitizen Voting Problem Actually Be a Problem

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In the great state of Wisconsin, where cheese curds flow like the mighty Mississippi and the winters are colder than your ex’s heart, voters are preparing for a thrilling new referendum: Do we really want to bar those pesky foreign nationals from having a say in our elections? Because clearly, we have a massive crisis of noncitizen-voter cataclysm on our hands—except we don’t.

Yes, Republican legislators are rolling out a statewide initiative that boldly states non-U.S. citizens can’t cast a ballot, despite the fact that in Wisconsin, it’s about as likely as finding Bigfoot at a Pajama Jam. Their logic? A handful of municipalities in states like North Dakota and Alabama have let noncitizens vote in local elections, which has to be the shortest straw in a game of political panic—after all, what’s democracy without a little xenophobia sprinkled in?

Jeff Mandell, an attorney with the organization Law Forward, might as well be leading a one-man protest against this flagrant search for a non-existent problem. He confidently pointed out, “It is the very definition of a solution in search of a problem.” Because what better way to protect “election integrity” than creating a constitutional amendment against something that hardly happens and isn’t even a current issue? It’s like putting fire alarms in a swimming pool—you just know no one’s gonna appreciate it until it’s too late.

So while over 25 million non-U.S. citizens may exist in the shadows of America, their voting record is about as non-existent as a teenager’s reason for being out past curfew. Sure, Texas officials raked in the headlines claiming they kicked over 6,500 supposed noncitizens off the voter rolls, but one has to wonder: were those really noncitizens, or just people who accidentally clicked “yes” on the wrong TikTok filter?

The Republicans are ever-hopeful that by making a fuss about this nonexistent crisis, they’ll entice their voter base to turn out in droves—presumably with signs waving “America Only!” and “We’re Not Overcompensating!” But despite their earnest proclamations of safeguarding democracy, it feels more like they’re just trying to distract from the fact that they have no clue how to address the real issues plaguing their constituents.

Adding a touch of absurdity, the chief sponsor of this amendment, State Rep. Tyler August, attempted to clarify that this bold amendment is not about race or immigration. It’s merely stating the obvious that only U.S. citizens can vote—not everyone with a pulse and an opinion. Because in a world where laws are supposed to be written as clear as your grandmother’s chicken soup, this latest move reads more like an unedited draft from a dystopian novel.

Meanwhile, the lone organization backing this sweeping measure, Wisconsin Family Action, also defends “marriage, the family and religious liberty.” Unfortunately for them, it seems they’re still learning how best to juggle those three priorities while clawing to keep foreign influence out of their precious elections. And while their mission might sound noble, it hits harder than a rogue snowball at a summer picnic when over 30 organizations, including the ACLU, firmly oppose this clumsy power grab—proving once again that irony is the spice we didn’t know we needed in our politics.

As November approaches, Wisconsinites will face their ballots with the solemn understanding that they’re not just voting for a president, but also for the privilege of keeping their voting rights perfunctorily intact while throwing the bloated concern over imaginary voting scandals to the wolves. Cheers to “election integrity,” where the real absurdity lies not in who votes, but in who gets to decide who’s even allowed to show up.