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WASHINGTON — In what can only be described as a bizarre love affair between politics and fantasy sports, Kamala Harris is unleashing a marketing blitz aimed at the throbbing masses of male voters—two weeks before the curtains rise on the election circus. Forget foreign policy; we’re diving headfirst into the world of sports betting and video game levels. Because nothing says “I’m qualified to lead” like ads popping up between your Fortnite matches!
With Trump flexing his muscles among the dudes, Harris is throwing a Hail Mary, advertising on sites where masculinity thrives like a frat party at 2 a.m. Her campaign is strutting its stuff on DraftKings—because who needs to know about economic plans when you can bet on the next interception or rely on Magic Johnson’s pep talks? Spoiler alert: he’s not here to chew gum and talk hoops; he’s comparing economic policies like he’s dissecting a game-winning strategy. "Kamala’s plan cuts taxes for 100 million Americans," he exclaims, while Trump’s plan is akin to getting tackled without a helmet—painful and costly.
Meanwhile, Ben Stiller shows up to remind us that politics is just like dodgeball—except this time, the stakes are a little higher than just getting pelted with rubber balls. “Let’s not joke about this,” he insists, right before dropping the bomb that Donald Trump basically wants to play Monopoly with democracy—offering a lifetime chance for unlimited power with the flip of a token. “Vote Kamala, or we may as well declare the Constitution a collectible item on eBay!”
Despite Harris throwing everything but the kitchen sink to win over the dudes, she’s still losing ground, as measured by the latest tragicomic poll showing Trump ahead with 56% of male voters—probably because he’s really good at yelling and tossing red meat at his base. His ads are practically airing during halftime to remind sports fans why they shouldn’t even think about voting for someone who stands for, you know, basic rights.
In her latest ploy, Harris is attempting to woo men on TikTok and Twitch, where memes and absurdity reign supreme—like a potential presidency hanging by a thread! So, here’s a wild thought: Why not just place ads on all sports talk radio and hope the echo of dodgy male opinions leads them to the voting booth? What could possibly go wrong?
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