Fifth Avenue to Go Green: The Sidewalk to $350 Million and Fewer Cars, Because Pedestrians Deserve Their Own Highway Too!

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NEW YORK (AP) — Well, hold onto your designer hats, folks, because Fifth Avenue, the crown jewel of capitalism and the epitome of “The Jackass Who Wears Flip-Flops to a Diamond District,” is planning a makeover. Officials have unveiled a proposal to rethink this concrete catwalk between Bryant Park and Central Park, transforming it into pedestrian paradise complete with sprawling sidewalks, lush trees, and perhaps a few monsoon-resistant garden gnomes.

They’re planning to go all in—doubling sidewalk sizes like it’s some sort of competitive eating contest, cutting vehicle lanes down from five to a cozy three, and just throwing in seating areas like the public is going to enjoy taking a rest after dodging selfie sticks and overpriced handbags. “Who needs cars?” said Madelyn Wils, from the Fifth Avenue Association, with all the confidence of a toddler building a sandcastle during high tide. “Let’s roll back the clock and reclaim the street for the average New Yorker… right after we finish collecting $350 million.”

Yes, $350 million, because nothing screams “we care about pedestrians” like a lavish project bankrolled by both public and private funds. The city assures us that it might even pay for itself within five years—with profits generated from the higher taxes of stores selling $12 lattes next to 24-karat gold-coated coffee cups.

But wait! Not so fast, advocates for public transport and cycling are waving their hands, saying, “Hey! We’ve got needs too!” It seems they’ve been overshadowed by sidewalk selfies, a high-stakes game of who can resell the most overpriced knick-knacks, and the prospect of construction commencing sometime in 2028—right around the time when the robots take over, and we all forget what a bus even is.

Meanwhile, Fifth Avenue, measuring a whopping 100 feet wide, boasts a mere two 23-foot sidewalks, despite a pedestrian traffic crisis that would make Times Square during New Year’s Eve look like a quiet evening stroll. A staggering 5,500 people shuffle through every hour, ballooning to an insane 23,000 during the holidays—because nothing says “joyous celebration” quite like being packed like sardines in a designer can.

Deputy Mayor Meera Joshi encapsulated the delusional grandeur of it all, stating, “Fifth Avenue is a world-famous destination for strolling and shopping, about to become even more famous for having more foot traffic than a boxing match.” New York evidently has lofty ambitions, looking to cap the Cross Bronx Expressway, to make way for parks and green spaces, as they attempt to remedy the heartbreak of urban sprawl.

“This is our chance to mend the past,” Joshi added, like an unconventional therapist in a city that’s constantly in denial about its highway addiction.

In conclusion, if you thought Fifth Avenue couldn’t get any more absurd, hold onto your luxury shopping bags—it’s about to get a whole lot greener. Just remember, folks: while we all fumble towards foot traffic utopia, the real lure will always remain—who can make more room for the retail monsters before Mother Nature intervenes.