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In a world where campaigning sounds less like a battle for a nation and more like a chaotic mosh pit of bad stand-up comedians, we find ourselves just 22 days away from a decisive bout of electoral nonsense. Our poll shows the race tighter than a pair of spandex on a jogger who forgot their morning coffee—Kamala Harris is taking the stage in a media blitz mode, trying not to trip over the mounting expectations.
KAMALA Harris, stepping onto the stage like she’s Bruce Wayne ready to save Gotham: “Let’s push toward the future of our country! Unless you were thinking of voting for that guy—we’re not going backwards, I promise you.”
Meanwhile, on the other side, we have DONALD Trump painting the nation’s future with all the darkness of a dystopian novel. He strides into rallies like a lion at a circus, proclaiming, “I will rescue Aurora and every town that has been invaded and conquered. Which oddly sounds like a plot from a B-movie where the hero fights off hordes of… wait for it… Venezuelan gangsters!”
Cut to former President OBAMA, who’s apparently here to double as a motivational speaker and a stern dad in one fell swoop, chastising black men for hesitating to support Harris. “You’ve got excuses? Well, that’s a personal problem you need to deal with!”
And as the wind of Hurricane Milton slams into Florida like an unwanted ex, we see our political figures scrambling like a toddler with a new toy—Biden assuring that relief is on the way while our lovely unidentified FEMA representative is preparing to battle the army of non-citizen voters that don’t quite exist. “We’re not going to be suppressed!” she declares, as if she’s standing against a tidal wave of paperwork.
Over at the Hurricane Milton spectacle, SARASOTA Mayor LIZ ALPERT, sounding like a weathered camp counselor, describes the scene: “The debris is wild, folks are helping one another! It’s a mess, but we’re all in this together like a bad family reunion.”
And just when you think it can’t get any weirder, we have an intense debate about who gets help from FEMA, as if the agency is a fickle relative deciding who gets to sit at the dinner table. J.D. VANCE, apparently fresh from a pep rally, chimes in, “Everybody is feeling ignored by the government, and not just the cool kids at the back.”
Back and forth they go, each claiming the other is a threat to democracy while sweating profusely under the unflattering spotlight of scrutiny. As the two sides flash about immigration like it’s the hot new dance that everyone’s trying to learn, the audience can’t help but roll its eyes at the absurd theater unfolding.
KAMALA is throwing out tax credits like they’re candy at a parade while DONALD laments, “We’re going to send back these migrants who, according to my sources, are clearly from the dungeons of hell!” Because why not throw a medieval fantasy into the mix?
As tensions rise, the once cheery vision of America is now a dark comedy, where the punchlines are delivered with all the grace of an overcooked souffle.
And there you have it! With a race so tight it’s practically wearing spandex, and a series of candidates more reminiscent of an open mic night than leaders of the free world, we’ve officially reached peak political parody where even the absurd seems normal. Buckle up, folks!
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