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In a shocking twist that nobody could have seen coming—except for, you know, everyone—former President Donald Trump has allegedly been charging the Secret Service more for a hotel room than a luxury penthouse in Monaco. That’s right, folks! A new report claims that while acting as the Commander-in-Grab, Trump was busy turning the Trump International Hotel into his personal piggy bank, raking in coin from the very agents who had to protect him and his family from the dangers of social media criticism.
Imagine being a Secret Service agent, armed to the teeth, keeping the peace while simultaneously paying rent that would make a midtown Manhattan landlord blush. On November 28, 2017, the report claims that they coughed up $600 a night for an unassuming room while just a stone’s throw away, mere mortals were booking rooms for a mere $200. Talk about a “luxury tax” on presidential protection!
Democrats, bless their hearts, have taken on the Sisyphean task of investigating Trump’s seemingly endless appetite for financial gain—a hungry hippo on a marble throne. They claim Trump’s hotel markup practices might violate that sleepy little thing called the emoluments clause, which is kind of like the ‘no cheating’ rule in Monopoly, but you know, with more lawyers and much less fun. Meanwhile, the Trump campaign is fervently waving their hands and shouting, “These accusations are as credible as a three-toed sloth running for office!”
And speaking of sloths, the report continues to outline a whole lineup of privileged guests, including ambassadors and would-be judges, who also managed to find their way to Trump’s swanky digs. Kelly Craft, former ambassador to Canada, made a reservation marathon with 20 nights at the hotel amounting to a minor sum of close to $30,000! It’s almost like she mistook “ambassador” for “high roller.”
But let’s not forget about Albert Pirro, the ex-husband of a Fox News host, who apparently thought a stay at Trump’s hotel was just the right touch before seeking a pardon. Why not throw in a luxurious bathrobe with that federal conspiracy? While the Democrats spend their time and taxpayer money dissecting these issues like a frustrated biology teacher, the Republicans promptly labeled the findings as “recycled garbage,” proving that while trash may be ugly, it’s still valuable for political commentary.
In a plot twist more absurd than a late-night infomercial, it turns out there aren’t any clear penalties for breaching the emoluments clause—primarily because it just sits there like a stubborn houseplant, hoping someone will water it with meaningful legislation. But imagine the shock and awe of Congress if they dared to actually enforce the rules—why, they’d have to put down their phones and stop mistaking governance for Twitter drama!
And as the Democrats roll out their second act of the “Trump Hotel Investigation,” boasting about $300,000 in alleged overcharges from, say, the Secret Service, elderly senators still can’t figure out how to log into Zoom. Honestly, there’s more action in a soap opera than in Capitol Hill’s weekly drama meeting. But, rest assured, our government is still tirelessly committed… to keeping its own coffers filled, one overpriced hotel room at a time.
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