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Ladies and gentlemen, gather around for a spectacular performance by none other than Elon Musk! Our favorite billionaire hosted a town hall in Pennsylvania where he dazzled the audience with conspiracy theories about the 2020 election, all while firmly waving the American flag of misinformation. Bravo, Elon, Bravo!
When asked about the supposed “cheating” during the last election, Musk responded with all the precision of someone trying to explain quantum mechanics to a toddler. He regaled the audience with tales of mail-in ballots, claiming they make it “almost impossible to prove cheating.” You know, because logic is hard and reading is for nerds!
In reality, actual voter fraud is rarer than a unicorn at a corporate merger meeting. And shockingly, when it does happen, it’s usually caught faster than you can say “data breach,” thanks to those “boring” safeguards in place. But why let facts get in the way of a good conspiracy theory?
Musk’s performance has become somewhat of a recurring act, akin to a magician who keeps pulling the same rabbit from the hat every time. On his mega-popular social media platform, X (formerly Twitter because “X” is just so cool), he’s been rehashing debunked conspiracy theories about Trump, Dominion Voting Machines, and how statistically improbable coincidences are apparently more trustworthy than, you know, data and facts.
“Isn’t it bizarre?” Musk mused, wondering aloud why those Dominion voting machines seem to only appear in Philadelphia and Maricopa County, like they’re the hottest new nightclub in town. Spoiler alert: It’s not a coincidence; it’s just how voting systems work, but let’s give him credit for trying to make politics sound more like an episode of “CSI.”
Speaking of surprises, Dominion Voting Systems, the company unfairly accused of pulling the election strings, recently settled for a cool $787 million with Fox News over some basement-level conspiracy nostalgia that got way out of hand. People and companies involved in actual voting processes seem to have a knack for accurate statements, much like a Swiss watchmaker.
But back to Musk, who seems to think the 2020 election was more rigged than a carnival game. “These statements simply aren’t factual,” a spokesperson from Election Systems & Software declared, essentially telling Musk that once you’ve lost the facts battle, maybe it’s time for a fact check and a nap.
Our tech titan spent time promoting the thrill of the paper ballot—a delightful throwback to when the world wasn’t ruled by silicon and algorithms. “We should only do paper ballots, hand counted,” he urged, as if computers are the boogeyman and paper cuts are the new form of cybersecurity. Over 98% of U.S. voters live in areas that already rock the paper trail, but why let reality interfere with a perfectly good anecdote?
So, join us next time for another riveting town hall with Musk, where we may learn that rocks are actually a form of currency or that the moon landing was staged in his backyard. Until then, remember: in the wacky world of finance and politics, the absurd is often just a click away!
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