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In the latest episode of “America: Where the Unhinged Get Unbonded,” we have William Parsons, a 44-year-old local legend from Bostic, NC, who thought it would be a smashing idea to threaten FEMA workers—because why not scare off the folks helping with life’s little disasters like hurricanes and general chaos? Armed to the teeth with a handgun and a rifle, his bold statement about the “lightly armed” white male went down in history—or at least the sheriff’s office report.
Local law enforcement had an action-packed Saturday investigating reports of a “white male” playing cowboy while waving an assault rifle at the scared-to-death bystanders at Lake Lure and Chimney Rock. Fear not, the militia that witnesses thought they saw was just a figment of their imagination—turns out Parsons was flying solo in this cowboy caper. The plot twist? He was out on a $10,000 bond faster than you can say “armed to the terror of the public.”
But wait, it gets better! While FEMA folks are already dodging debris and modern misinformation after Hurricane Helene, they’re now having to navigate the added bonus of being mortal targets for random locals like Parsons. The great Ashe County Sheriff Phil Howell even took to Facebook to warn folks about the “threats” that have become about as common as bad parking during a disaster; just a casual day in the apocalypse.
“Out of an abundance of caution,” Howell stated, which I can only assume is sheriff-speak for “we’ve got enough fools on our hands,” they’ve temporarily hit the brakes on allowing these dedicated disaster heroes to move freely among the populace. They’re going to be working in “secure areas”— because what’s a disaster without a little added chaos?
FEMA Administrator Deanne Criswell weighed in, lamenting that threats to her underpaid disaster response team are merely a “shame” and a distraction. Perhaps she should try sending out thank-you cards to the disgruntled militia members who weren’t even there. Meanwhile, the agency is monitoring social media for the usual rants from keyboard warriors who’ve mistaken their living rooms for command centers.
And as the nation’s leaders band together to coordinate their safety with law enforcement, it all boils down to a riveting political saga featuring public displays of idiocy. As the sheriff reminds us, “Stay calm and steady,” though I imagine he’d prefer it if everyone could just keep the firearms to a minimum while we collectively pretend everything is fine. Who knew disaster response was a spectator sport with such amateur talent?
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