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Northfield, Minn. — Gather ’round, folks, for the heartwarming tale of St. Olaf College, where nearly 88% of students turned out to vote in 2020! Yes, you heard that right—an actual college where students are more likely to show up for democracy than for their 8 a.m. lecture on the existential dread of impending adulthood. According to Tufts University’s Institute for Democracy & Higher Education, while your average student might prioritize their coffee shop run over casting a ballot, at St. Olaf, they must’ve gotten the memo that democracy isn’t just a game for the overcaffeinated or the bored.

With their crowning achievement as the top contenders in the ALL IN Campus Democracy Challenge, these enthusiastic civics nerds take their voting campaigns as seriously as a squirrel hoarding acorns for winter—only this time, the acorns are actually voter registration forms and advocacy workshops. Their secret weapon? A battalion of 120 “election ambassadors”—the bravest souls on campus, valiantly cramming in civic duty between tackling all-consuming student debt and trying to remember if they left the stove on in their dorm.

Meet Roxi Wessel, an “election ambassador” who could just as easily be a member of the next big indie rock band. She might not be winning Grammy Awards, but she’s certainly rousing the masses with reminders that if you missed your window for voting, no need to worry—the apocalypse can wait until after Election Day.

“Hi, you all know me!” she proclaims from the stage of her band, probably setting the bar for future political rallies where the key to success is knowing the lyrics to a catchy tune about voting rights. Because why worry about policies when you can strum your way through existential dread with a ukulele?

Elijah Sonntag, another fine ambassador, triumphantly declares that every voice matters—especially if you’ve already got your friends hooked up with the political equivalent of a Netflix subscription. Everyone wins, unless you consider the sheer absurdity of trying to get young people involved in something that feels about as appealing as doing laundry.

Our dear Minnesota—blessed with effortless voting opportunities, where you can register on Election Day and still have time to snag a Bloody Mary (the unofficial state beverage) before you head to cast your vote. Who needs to plan ahead when you can live in a politically enlightened utopia? Just don’t try this in other states where voting feels like an escape room designed by a sadistic game master.

Political science professor Christopher Chapp peaks from behind his stack of ungraded papers to remind us that Minnesota might as well be three bases ahead, while the rest of the nation is still figuring out how to lace up their shoes. Meanwhile, Jen McAndrew from Tufts clears up the misconception that young voters are apathetic, noting, “Nah, they’re not apathetic. They just can’t find the door to the voting booth when compared to a minor obstacle course lined with ‘No Trespassing’ signs.”

Despite the palpable energy, our intrepid election ambassadors face the sobering reality of apathy among their peers. They’ve heard it all: “Why vote? My vote is just a drop in the ocean!” To which they respond, “Well, that ocean is actually a cesspool of bad decisions, so unless you want to swim in it forever, roll up your sleeves and dip your toes in!”

Madeline Altman, a fresh-faced freshman, humorously articulates the urgency to inform her fellow students that voting is not just a national circus—it’s also a local carnival! “Vote for those state issues, folks! Roads need paving, and I can’t navigate the potholes of life without a say in who gets to fix my commute!”

So, as St. Olaf College attempts to squeeze out even more of that sweet, sweet voter turnout juice, we are reminded that this isn’t just about ballots; it’s about raising a generation of lifelong voters. “Voting has an inertia to it!” proclaims Chapp, which I assume is something you also don’t want to experience during a college party. So, strap in, hold on, and remember: in politics, as in life, if you don’t engage, you might just find yourself knee-deep in absurdity—and not the good kind.

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