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In a thrilling episode of “As the Rocket Turns,” Elon Musk’s SpaceX is suing the California Coastal Commission, alleging they unfairly blocked its plans for more rocket launches along the picturesque central coast. One can’t help but wonder: who knew igniting rockets could be a political sport?
According to SpaceX, the commission’s decision was not just a wise move for the environment; it was an affront to Musk’s sacred right to free speech—because clearly, when you post conspiracy theories on a social media platform marketers have dubbed “the digital Wild West,” you should also be allowed to send rockets soaring into the California skies.
While the U.S. Air Force had previously endorsed the idea of unleashing more Falcon 9 rockets like they were pop rockets on the Fourth of July, officials at the Coastal Commission had some reservations. Who knew a state regulator could slow down the march of progress? The horrors!
In a recent gathering of the mermaid fan club—uh, I mean, the California Coastal Commission—members voted 6 to 4 against the launch increase. Apparently, they weren’t too keen on the idea of transforming their serene beaches into a glorified launchpad.
SpaceX alleged that at this very meeting, commissioners highlighted concerns that had nothing to do with ocean waves but were perhaps more like tidal waves of criticism directed at Musk himself—cue a paper airplane of courtroom drama. This included allusions to SpaceX’s employee treatment, which sounds like a riveting Netflix documentary waiting to happen, but that’s a story for another time.
One bold commissioner even had the audacity to mention that by controlling the Starlink network, Musk would hold sway over “one of the most extensive communications networks on the planet.” It’s like handing a toddler the remote control—what could possibly go wrong?
As if that weren’t enough drama to keep the audience perched on the edge of their seats, Musk’s social media antics became an unwelcome guest at the soirée. Comments about “political retribution” and grievances aimed at federal agencies turned a simple launch into a high-stakes soap opera. “Elon, you’ve got some receipts to show!” someone might shout from the back.
Oh, and let’s not forget Musk’s knack for conspiracy theories, including one about how he believes he’s the star player of America’s political drama—the man definitely loves to take center stage at any lighting ceremony. It’s like watching a game in which everyone pretends they’re not part of the show, but no one really knows what the rules are, if any exist at all.
In a twist worthy of a great cliffhanger, SpaceX is also demanding a judge settle the debate of whether launching rocket ships is a federally-regulated endeavor, akin to asking if a unicorn can be a dog for tax purposes.
As for the California Coastal Commission? Well, they decided to remain silent on the matter, which is all the more suspicious. Are they plotting their own fateful launch—or are they just sipping piña coladas while watching the show unfold?
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