Browns Blitz the City: Trading in the Dawg Pound for a Cozy Dome—Because Who Needs Home Field Advantage When You Have Climate Control?

That’s right, folks! The Browns are trading in their windswept open-air stadium for a shiny new domed experience in Brook Park, Ohio—a location so close to Cleveland that you’ll still be able to feel the ghost of the Dawg Pound lingering around, but far enough away that the residents of Brook Park can start talking about “the new guys.”

The news came with all the flair of a reality TV breakup, courtesy of Cleveland Mayor Justin Bibb, who must have felt like he’d just seen his best friend date the annoying neighbor. Bibb lashed out at the Browns’ owners, Jimmy and Dee Haslam, for choosing profits over positivity. “It’s like they could have chosen love, but they picked money!” he cried in a press release that would make a Shakespearean drama king proud.

In the cold light of financial reality, the Haslams justified their decision by claiming that year-round stadium activities were essential. Because who wouldn’t want to attend a ballet in a football stadium when they can experience the fierce elegance of a linebacker charging at a prima ballerina?

And let’s not forget about the booming business of non-football events—picture Taylor Swift raking in $4 million in just a single night while the Browns struggle to convert a safety into a decent halftime show. Excuse me while I fetch my violin for the poor Browns, whose biggest star seems to be their branding team at this point.

They assure us that this $2 billion private investment won’t involve taxpayer dollars—just like your uncle assures you that his multi-level marketing scheme is entirely above board. “Trust us, this is a major development project that will somehow pay off the public bond debt through mystical future revenues!” the Haslams exclaimed, while seemingly channeling the spirit of every optimistic businessman who ever sold a magic tonic.

Admittedly, their flight to Brook Park is expected to cost the city of Cleveland a staggering $30 million per year. But hey, let’s look on the bright side—you can now enjoy the sight of a shiny new dome while reminiscing about all those fond memories of your team “bungling it” next to the lake.

Now, if you’ve been keeping score, the Browns’ new glitzy abode will be a mere 16 miles away from their current stadium, which means that once they move, you won’t even be able to count that as a “road trip.”

The team is reportedly valued at a jaw-dropping $6.02 billion, completely eclipsing the actual pocket change value of human decency and civic pride, and recently signed a 20-year naming rights deal with Huntington National Bank—because nothing screams “team spirit” quite like your stadium being named after a bank known for assisting in the economic funding of dreams, which may or may not come true.