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Welcome to Week 6 of the NFL season, where the struggling teams are starting to feel like contestants on a reality show: “Survivor: NFL Edition.” Desperation is just around the corner, waving a little flag that says ‘We’re not dead yet!’ and nowhere is this more evident than in Cincinnati with the Bengals, who limped into “Sunday Night Football” boasting a record of 1-4—better than my high school GPA but not by much.
In a twist that can only be described as “The Bengals’ Comeback: The Musical,” Cincinnati managed to pull off a dazzling 17-7 victory over the New York Giants. And get this—it wasn’t even because their offense decided to wake up from whatever hibernation it was in. No, instead, it was their defense, that ally-turned-nemesis familiar to every Bengals fan. The Bengals defense, which previously operated like a revolving door for opposing offenses, suddenly decided to put up a “No Entry” sign, holding the Giants to single digits in points for the first time since, well, nobody really knows when.
You know it’s bad when even Giants QB Daniel Jones looked like a deer in headlights—if that deer were wearing a jersey and had just discovered he’d missed the last exit. Jones completed a staggering 22 out of 41 passes, like he was throwing a party and forgot to invite the receivers, and threw an interception for an encore. Watching him was a bit like watching a cat try to swim: both amusing and painful.
Meanwhile, Joe Burrow—the so-called “chosen one” of the Bengals—spent more time on the turf than on his feet. After five games that saw him sacked 12 times, the Giants decided to add to his collection, bringing him down four times on Sunday alone. He must have been feeling nostalgic for his college days when he had more time to throw than he did against a room full of high school kids.
But with 2:12 left in the fourth quarter, Burrow pulled off a play that belonged in a highlight reel… or a blooper reel, depending on your perspective. Faced with a third-and-12, he scrambled left and launched a ridiculous cross-body throw that could only be described as “Houdini-esque” for a 29-yard gain. Two plays later, running back Chase Brown did his best Usain Bolt impersonation with a game-sealing 30-yard run. Who knew the Bengals had an emergency escape plan all along?
Next up, the Bengals will march into enemy territory to take on the Cleveland Browns, where their chances of success are about as good as a cat getting a compliment at a dog show. As for the Giants, they’ll remain at home, but don’t worry—they’ll be hosting the Philadelphia Eagles, where they’re currently 0-3 this season. Let’s not sugarcoat it: at this point, they might as well open a support group for hopeless fans.
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