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Vice presidential wannabe JD Vance, in a thrilling display of verbal gymnastics worthy of an Olympic gold, stated unequivocally that former president Donald Trump did not lose the 2020 election “by the very words” he would use—probably because he is still using an inflatable language model. At a Pennsylvania rally, he insisted he’s answered the burning question of Trump’s electoral fate “a million times”—because what better way to equip the nation than with preposterous lyrics lyrics and a major case of déjà vu?
“Did Trump lose? Not by my vocabulary, folks!” he declared, as the crowd roared in approval, probably wondering if they’d just tuned into a particularly bizarre episode of a reality TV show where everyone desperately wanted to forget the last season. Vance then casually brushed off the media as mere entertainment of court dramas and conspiracy theories, arguing that the real scandal was Hunter Biden’s laptop—an object that now fits perfectly into the mythical realm where monsters and facts go to disappear.
In a plot twist glossed over by everyone, reputable media outlets decided the laptop was more Murky Waters than Watergate, rejecting its contents like a late-night diner rejects stale burgers. Vance, on his high horse, concluded, “Censorship is bad—unless it’s about me, apparently!”
Meanwhile, Matt Corridoni, spokes-guru for Vice President Kamala Harris, joyfully pointed out that Vance’s fingers were on the denial button faster than a kid with sticky fingers in a candy store. “Vance is a trusty pawn in Trump’s quest for the glorious crown of absolute power!” he quipped.
As for the pressing matters of everyday life, Vance pivoted to the “real” issues facing Pennsylvanians. “I could spend time on 2020, but isn’t it more important to discuss why your wallet is feeling lighter than a feather on a windy day?”
In the rollercoaster ride of political banter, Vance tried to him and haw, asserting that if you wanted a secure border and a financial miracle, he and Trump had a “plan.” Presuming everyone was in the mood for a magic act, of course—abracadabra, your credit card swipes will disappear!
Vance then consoled himself with the knowledge that his audience probably had a differing opinion on numerous things because, hey, who doesn’t love a bit of lively controversy? From the safety of the prismatic bubble where he resides, he proclaimed, “All Americans agree on one thing – hurry up and kick Kamala Harris out so we can get that American Dream back!”
In a clumsy dance of denial, he mumbled clues to his past beliefs regarding Trump’s 2020 loss, shuffling historical arguments like cards in a magic trick—strategically leaving out the last cards that might tarnish his improv act. As the circus rolled into town, Vance confidently stated he’d rather talk about the future than dwell on a past that has the faint smell of burnt popcorn and deep-fried regret.
Ah, politics—where the absurd is the norm, history is rewritten one rally at a time, and the media frenzy churns like the distressed souls in a black comedy that knows it’s just far too real.
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