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Ah, Alaska—where the ballots are colder than the air and the political drama rivals that of a reality show set in a winter wonderland. On November 5, Alaskans will gather not just to decide who gets the state’s oh-so-coveted three electoral votes (strategically vital, I’m sure), but also to watch a remarkable duel for a single House seat unfold. Yes, folks, this is democracy in action, where a race for representation feels like a contest to see who can juggle chainsaws while riding a moose.
The setup is almost Shakespearean: Mary Peltola, the Democratic representative with pub trivia-level name recognition, is trying to fend off Nick Begich, a Republican who must have lost a bet to be here, along with a cameo from Eric Hafner—the Democrat currently serving a 20-year sentence in New York for, well, taking a political stance that perhaps went a tad too far. Because nothing says “politician” quite like issuing threats from behind bars. Who knew the Alaskan Independence Party chairman John Wayne Howe was the luckiest guy on the ballot now that two Republicans decided they’d rather be anywhere but here?
In Alaska, everyone plays on the same field, which may explain why local elections resemble a game of dodgeball in an ice rink—everyone’s out for themselves, and you can be sure the results will be as unpredictable as a walrus at a barbecue. Peltola, like some cosmic being, won just over half the primary vote, and now finds herself dealing with a predicament where lesser-known candidates could spoil her day like a caribou stampede in a peaceful picnic. Should things not go her way, we’ll be handed the exquisite gift of ranked-choice voting, which sounds like a way to add complexity to an already confusing mess. Jacking up the suspense, votes could be churned out in slow, tantalizing drips, so by the time you find out who’s going to serve your interests in Congress, you’ve aged a decade.
And don’t even get me started on the presidential candidates! We have Kamala Harris and Donald Trump ready to hand out visions of the future that should come with a side of salt—mandatory to prove you can still laugh one minute and cry the next. Meanwhile, taxpayers can weigh their options amidst a slew of third-party contenders who undoubtedly got lost on their way to a different ballot.
As a cherry on this absurd sundae, voters will also decide if they want to ditch ranked-choice voting altogether. That’s right! Nothing screams “progress” like abandoning a system meant to give everyone a shot and returning to a single-choice structure reminiscent of choosing between Star Wars and Star Trek in a space-themed karaoke bar. So gear up for a November filled with absurdity where every vote counts… unless you’re in prison, of course.
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