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In a grand performance of political theater, former President Trump took to the stage in Tempe, Arizona, declaring the U.S. to be the world’s premier dumpster—a fabulous garbage can overflowing with discarded hopes and dreams, thanks to its border policies. “We’re like a recycling bin for the world,” he proclaimed, boasting his new branding strategy for America as the landfill of lost causes at an immigration-focused rally—talk about a makeover.
Trump, ever the poet of the absurd, spun tales of migrant “gangs” unleashed like a band of rogue raccoons rummaging through the local nightlife. “Take a good look folks; we are a dumping ground!” he reinforced, while the crowd cheered as if they had just won a free meal from the buffet of broken promises. As crime stories about undocumented immigrants were plucked from thin air like cotton candy at a county fair, the former commander-in-chief painted a portrait more dramatic than an Oscar-winning soap opera.
Meanwhile, as border crossings hit their lowest levels since the dawn of the Biden administration, with fewer than 54,000 apprehensions in September—truly a remarkable feat, considering it was the fewest since Trump still held the keys to the White House—our illustrious former leader dusted off his old campaign props. He rolled out threats to end sanctuary cities, proposed the death penalty for undocumented immigrants daring to cross paths with a U.S. citizen, and dreamt up a “Stay in Mexico” policy. Because why not just keep migrants in a waiting room with snacks until their asylum hearings?
And in a delightful twist of irony, while Trump escalated his verbal assaults on Vice President Kamala Harris—referring to her as “stupid” like an overgrown schoolyard bully trying to find his lunch money—Harris was busy trying to clarify her own position on immigration. “Let’s just fix this thing,” she declared, while simultaneously endorsing $650 million for a border wall—the architectural equivalent of putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.
In another riveting episode of this political sitcom, Harris countered Trump’s claims about her intelligence during a CNN town hall, insisting his reign was more about chaos than progress. “You know,” she mused, “like, let’s get real,” as if common sense was the rarest species in the wilds of Washington D.C.
As early voting kicked off in Arizona, which has become the political version of a mosh pit for both candidates, polls showed Trump holding a slight edge—though within the margin of error, proving that even in politics, we’re all just tinkering on the edge of absurdity, like a circus balancing act on a tightrope made of spaghetti.
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