Court Says “No Bagging” in $8.5 Billion Handbag Merger Blowout

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In a dramatic twist that has all the excitement of watching paint dry, a US judge waved a big “NOPE” flag on the $8.5 billion merger between handbag giants Tapestry and Capri. This unexpected plot twist has the Federal Trade Commission popping champagne, having emerged victorious in an arena where merger challenges are about as common as a unicorn sighting.

The FTC, channeling its inner drama queen, spent eight long days arguing that merging these two titans would effectively squash competition faster than you can say “designer bag.” They were concerned that the fusion would create a handbag behemoth capable of unilaterally cranking up prices and leaving consumers sobbing softly into their unbranded totes.

Tapestry, the optimistic underdog in this tale, insisted that the only way to survive in this cutthroat handbag jungle was to combine forces to ward off the European fashion overlords, like Gucci, who are stealing American market share like it’s the last slice of pizza at a corporate lunch.

But alas, the judge has spoken, putting her gavel down with a resounding thud that permanently blocks this fashionable union. Tapestry’s lawyers, probably drafting their resignation letters, noted that there’s about as much precedent for merger challenges in the world of high fashion as there is for cats working in a dog kennel.

This ruling is also a tactical win for the Biden administration, stepping up to bat with a little help from the handbag gods just in time for the upcoming presidential election. Consumer prices are the hot potato issue of the moment, and nothing makes voters happier than knowing they can still afford their faux leather at a reasonable price.

Had the merger gone through, we would have witnessed the birth of a mega-brand encompassing a dizzying roster of six fashion powerhouses, including Tapestry’s Coach, Kate Spade, and Stuart Weitzman, alongside Capri’s Versace, Jimmy Choo, and Michael Kors. Talk about a fashion family reunion nobody asked for!

Tapestry and Capri made the case that reviving the ancient, kinda-washed-up Michael Kors brand and splashing Tapestry’s cash around would actually ramp up competition, bringing consumers a treasure trove of handbags instead of basketball-sized price tags. They must have been conversing with a particularly optimistic fortune teller.

Meanwhile, the same merger was given the thumbs-up by regulators in Japan and the European Union earlier this year, suggesting that some parts of the globe are perfectly happy to take the designer plunge while the US keeps its swim trunks firmly on. Welcome to the chaotic, unpredictable world of business, folks. Hold on to your handbags! You never know what absurdity might happen next.