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New Hampshire’s Gov. Chris Sununu, whose political compass spins true north towards Donald Trump, decided to take a moment out of his busy schedule of metaphorically swatting flies to address the former president’s new favorite pastime: using rally microphones as makeshift tirade launchpads. You know, just good old fashioned political banter involving profanity and strange analogies about golf legends and—let’s not kid ourselves here—some anatomy that should probably remain off the public discourse table.
In a delightful display of ‘I don’t like that, but let’s shrug and move on,’ Sununu consoled viewers on “This Week” with Martha Raddatz. “Sure, Trump‘s rally was like a night at a particularly bad comedy club—uninvited guests, shocking one-liners, and the only thing missing was a poor excuse for a punchline,” he said, seemingly forgetting that he had previously endorsed the equally quirky Nikki Haley. He also implied that Trump’s crassness was par for the course, equating it to an everyday occurrence like your neighbor’s obnoxious lawn flamingos.
“I don’t like the potty mouth,” he grumbled, with all the gravitas of a church elder caught at a casino. “But Kamala thinks repeating Trump‘s insanity will win her swing voters? Honey, they aren’t showing up for a re-run; they want to know if their lives are better than it was four years ago. Spoiler: They aren’t tuning in for that episode.”
Meanwhile, Trump was busy painting his opponents with the broad brush of “sick lunatics,” making a real case for why we should send in the National Guard, or perhaps the military, to thwart these dastardly foes. It was like watching a toddler throw a tantrum because someone else wanted the last cookie.
“Sure, we have radical left lunatics—because who doesn’t want a little chaos with their morning coffee?” Trump fumed on Fox News. And while Kamala skewered him for being a little loose in the head, Sununu was there to remind us that attacking Trump was not exactly the electoral miracle the Democrats were hoping for.
“I mean, did Trump weaponize justice against anyone? Did he ever chase down Hillary with a pitchfork? Nah,” Sununu tactfully omitted that little detail, forgetting that we were all just waiting for the plot twist where someone paints themselves as the hero in this dark farce. “It’s showbiz, folks!”
While Sununu bemoaned the plight of swing voters—those mythical creatures that flit between parties—he acknowledged that a percentage might just skip out on Trump because his character is more tangled than a cat in a yarn basket. “They want to afford fries and housing, not just policies no one understands. Politically, the only open borders they care about are for drive-thrus.”
As if fortune cookies were suddenly wise, Sununu managed to divine what the average Joe thinks: “Can I take my kids out without remortgaging my home? That’s the real question!” And for everyone wondering about Trump’s economic magic trick of imposing tariffs, Sununu stated, “Look, no one’s voting on tariffs. It’s too complex. They just want to stuff their faces at McDonald’s without feeling like a contestant on ‘Survivor: Cost of Living.’”
In the end, all hail the absurdity of it: a political circus where slapstick is king, and the only thing that matters is whether we can afford to order off the dollar menu while pretending the world hasn’t turned into our most feverish parody.
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