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In a groundbreaking surgical twist that has definitely not been pulled straight from a sci-fi novel, a surgeon in Aberdeen has taken neurosurgery to eyebrow-raising heights—literally. Forget the traditional approach of cracking open skulls like the latest smartphone trend; Consultant Neurosurgeon Anastasios Giamouriadis has come up with a technique that sounds more like a ridiculous beauty treatment than life-saving surgery. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Modified Eyebrow Keyhole SupraOrbital Approach for Brain Tumours, or as I like to call it: “The Ultimate Lift!”
Now, instead of facing a craniotomy that leaves you looking like you’ve been in a brawl with a blender, patients can just saunter in, have a few “large Apple-sized” tumors excavated, and walk out with nary more than a stylish new black eye and the facial landmark of a 75-year-old Doreen Adams, who describes her recovery from the eyebrow job as a miraculous transformation from “nigh-on death” to “back to normal life in a jiff.” Because who wouldn’t want to feel like a brand-new human, as long as you’re fine with the scars of past surgeries being overshadowed by your bold new brow game?
Mr. Giamouriadis claims his new method is “a game-changer,” which doesn’t seem too hard to believe given that the previous approach felt like signing up for an IKEA assembly instruction nightmare that ended in a semi-permanent stay at the hospital, complete with the risk of sepsis. Who knew that cosmetic eyebrow enhancements would turn out to be the solution to brain tumors? It’s like the medical world is finally embracing the absurdity of it all.
And if you ever feel guilty about spending hours scrolling your social media feeds, just remember that while you’re watching videos of cats, Mr. Giamouriadis might be honing the next level of eyebrow surgery using virtual reality. That’s right; the future of surgery might involve donning VR headsets and entering a digital realm to practice making brain sweeps while simultaneously contemplating the futility of existence—all while you stand in line for your morning coffee.
As Mr. Giamouriadis performs this eyebrow magic on his ever-growing roster of patients, it’s hard not to wonder: do they hand out free eyebrow pencils post-op? Or perhaps a discount at the nearest salon to get those brows on fleek? After all, nothing says “I beat cancer” quite like a perfectly-arched eyebrow! Who knew that the face of life-saving surgery could also be the face of the beauty business? Please, let’s all raise a glass (or an eyebrow) to the bizarre collision of medical innovation and societal absurdity.
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