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In a dazzling display of political gymnastics, President Joe Biden has announced he will pirouette his way to a “deeply heartfelt” apology on Friday for that zany little endeavor known as the U.S. boarding school system. You remember—the one that expertly took generations of Native American children, bundled them up, and separated them from their families like an imperious magician performing a terrible trick. “I’m heading West to do something that probably should’ve been on my to-do list since before the Earth cooled,” Biden quipped to reporters, adding, “But hey, better late than never, right?”

Our dear President will take the stage at the Gila River Indian Community in Arizona, where he’ll be joined by Interior Secretary Deb Haaland—who doubles as the first Native American Cabinet member and the family member of honorary boarding school alumni. Deb apparently refers to Biden as “the best president for Indian Country,” which is kind of like getting voted “Most Likely to Apologize for Historic Atrocities” by a room full of skeptics.

During a riveting White House briefing, Haaland wasn’t pulling any punches, noting how her own kinfolk were caught up in that delightful oversight of history—a chapter conveniently skipped in the history books. “Finally! We’ll ensure no one forgets this episode of American history,” Haaland declared as if unveiling the latest blockbuster hit, “Forced Assimilation: The Musical.”

Cherokee Nation’s Principal Chief Chuck Hoskin Jr., meanwhile, is playing the role of the wise old sage, declaring the apology “long overdue”—kind of like that check your uncle swore he’d send you 20 years ago. But he insists this nice little “sorry” should lead to further action, because what would an apology be without a side of bureaucracy? “It’s a profound moment,” he remarked, likely trying to convince himself he’s not just trapped in an absurd theater of political semantics.

As we watch Biden overlap history like a student cramming for an exam, let’s not forget the true stars of this show: the 417 boarding schools, stretching across 37 states, where countless Indigenous children experienced the glorious joys of forced assimilation and, in a tragic twist of fate akin to a horror story, many met their untimely ends. Haaland’s initiative has unearthed a grim scorecard of 973 children lost to this tragic “education,” reminding us that history can be a bustling marketplace of bad decisions not easily forgotten.

Ah, justice served with a side of history—now with memorials and a wink that says, “Trust us, we really mean it this time!” It’s like a reunion of bad decisions, where the uninvited guest is the legacy of a government that sometimes seems to need a guidebook just to remember how to say “I’m sorry.”

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