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In a scene straight out of a British farce, King Charles strutted onto the Commonwealth stage in Samoa, ready to charm leaders with his carefully curated speech about a "common future." What’s better than opulence amidst oppression? Nothing like a royal visit to discuss the past with the same depth one might apply to a game of hopscotch—no actual apologies included, of course.
While the theme might suggest a collective journey towards healing, it seems the Commonwealth is more like a family reunion where everyone pretends that Great Uncle Billy didn’t accidentally burn down the house during last year’s Christmas party. Instead, there’s a polite acknowledgment of painful histories, as if one could just scoff down a scone and ignore the fact that reparations for the historic slave trade are still the elephant lurking in the buffet line, refusing to leave.
Our dear monarch, with all the enthusiasm of a schoolteacher caught in a monologue, insisted that it’s essential to understand history to forge ahead. Yes, just like how we all learn to avoid dead-end roads—except he glossed over the inconvenient potholes of what actually happened, choosing euphemistic nods to "inequalities that endure" rather than rubbing elbows with the term "slavery."
Among the Caribbean attendees, frothing with anticipation (and perhaps a hint of bemusement), the words didn’t hit the mark. They’ve been waiting like kids at a candy store for an actual apology, and what do they get? The grand promise of a future where everyone keeps talking about how sorry they are without doing much about it—like a reality show waiting for the drama that never comes. Eric Phillips from Caricom quickly got on his soapbox, suggesting a catchy new motto: “No reparations, no trade!” Sounds like the Commonwealth family has become a dysfunctional club where membership fees are paid in historical injustices.
Meanwhile, poor King Charles is stuck in quite the pickle, desperately clinging to his “above politics” crown while quietly acknowledging his ancestors were deep in the slave trade profit pool. This is the sort of historical baggage that air fresheners merely can’t mask! He’s commissioned research, which is basically royal speak for “I’d rather read about it than take any sort of responsibility,” while Caribbean nations continue to eye him like an ex at a party—hopeful yet doubtful.
So, as the banquet unravels with the backdrop of tropical greenery, King Charles ends his speech with a hopeful flourish about learning from the past and forging ahead. Perhaps he’s hoping for an Austin Powers style “Let’s be groovy, baby!” reconciliation, completely oblivious to the fact that harmony may require actual reparative action, not just the king’s whimsical dreams of a unified Commonwealth. Next time, hopefully, he’ll bring a little more than just well-spoken musings; maybe some reparations wrapped in a fancy bow? But let’s not hold our breath, shall we?
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