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LAS VEGAS — In a shocking turn of events straight out of a political sitcom, former President Donald Trump, also known as “the Human Soundbite,” insisted he’s never uttered a kind word about Hitler—not even at his personal karaoke bar, where the playlist is only “My Way” sung over and over again.
“I never said that,” Trump reassured the masses, clearly drawing on his impressive portfolio of memory loss. He added that it was “fake news,” which, if we’re counting correctly, is a title he’s handed out more generously than candy on Halloween.
As for allegations that he expressed a yearning for generals resembling those who followed Hitler—God bless American History classes gone awry—Trump dismissed the claims with the flair of a magician pulling a rabbit from a hat. “The Atlantic is failing!” he declared triumphantly, though one wonders if that’s just his new term for magazines that don’t feature his photo on the cover.
The author of the article, meanwhile, probably grabbed a drink after getting handed the “public enemy number one” card, as Trump’s campaign swiftly kicked into high gear. Steven Cheung, the spokesperson for Trump’s circus of electoral enthusiasm, insisted John Kelly—once chief of staff, now punchline—had “totally beclowned” himself with his recollections of Trump’s historical misunderstandings. Cheung must enjoy a colorful vocabulary because beclowning sounds like a lively spectacle worthy of a three-ring circus.
And in a twist that can only be likened to an absurdist play, Kelly, during his moment of media fame, casually mentioned that during their discussions, Trump often mistook Bismarck’s generals for Hitler’s, much like confusing mustard for mayonnaise at a cookout gone wrong. “Yeah, yeah, Hitler’s generals,” Trump supposedly confirmed as Kelly internally screamed.
While a few million lives were tragically lost in the real history of World War II, this drama feels lightyears away from its somber backdrop—especially when the VP jumped into the fray, suggesting Trump is “increasingly unhinged,” which might just be the understatement of the century.
As Trump strives valiantly to keep his reputation afloat like a life raft in a sea of scandals, we see political theater at its most entertaining—a spectacle where reality plays second fiddle, and the absurd is just a typical Tuesday in the realm of American politics. The curtain falls as the audience collectively shrugs, wondering whether to laugh or cry—perhaps both—at the delicately woven tapestry of democracy gone awry.
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