Family of Shooter Aims to Clear His Name; Too Bad It’s a Case of Brain Over Blast

[ad_1]

LEWISTON, Maine — In a plot twist worthy of a dark comedy, the family of the Army reservist who turned a quaint bowling night into a scene from a horror film in Maine’s second-largest city has found themselves in the unexpected role of brain injury advocates since the tragic events of October 25, 2023. Who knew developments in neurology would become a hit at family reunions?

In the tragic aftermath where 18 lives were snuffed out amid a night of youth bowling and deaf cornhole championship, the gunman’s family, clearly channeling their inner drama queens, have decided they would rather not go quietly into the night. Instead, they are crafting a very public persona calling for awareness about traumatic brain injuries—because what else would you do after a mass shooting?

“Let’s make sure this sort of thing doesn’t happen again—ever,” pledged Nicole Herling, sister of shooter Robert Card in a move that must have ruffled a few feathers among the neighbors.

Card, who was found with a penchant for making headlines and a questionable history of mental health, took the scenic route out of his unfortunate life with a swift exit post-mass shooting. Nothing says “military precision” quite like going on a two-day manhunt only to end it with a suicide, does it?

As investigators peeled back the layers of this onion of absurdity, they found themselves staring into the cavity of a very troubled mind. Apparently, Card was hearing voices while being fitted for high-tech hearing aids, because that’s how wild combinations of irony can go. His family made multiple attempts to reach out for help, ranging from crisis hotlines to alerting local authorities, only to be met with the typical response we’d expect from good ol’ bureaucracy: “Thanks for your concerns, we’ll file that under never to be heard from again.”

A postmortem examination of Card’s brain by the Boston University CTE Center revealed what they are calling an "evidence of traumatic brain injury," which, in layman’s terms means, “We’re not sure what happened, but it definitely looked a little bumpy.” Surprisingly, it turns out Card wasn’t tops on the list for combat-induced brain damage, as he never saw the frontline, but he sure did get tossed around by a few hand grenades in training. Ah, military logic at its finest!

Now, as Card’s family engages in public service to raise awareness about brain injuries in veterans—because nothing says “we’re sorry” like pivoting to a heartwarming campaign—they’ve discovered something called brain banks. Yes, you heard that right: brain banks. Apparently, they stockpile brain tissue to help understand those slapstick moments in mental health deterioration.

But stay tuned, because in the grand tradition of military pragmatism, the Army, while claiming deep sorrow over the shooting, decided to “revamp” their protocols. They’re now conducting cognitive assessments for trainees, which we can only assume involves looking into a mirror and asking, "Am I a ticking time bomb?" The Department of Defense sent guidance out in August, more or less announcing they’d like to reduce “blast exposure” without acknowledging the brain cataclysm that’s already occurred, but, hey—better late than never!

Adding to the bazaar collection of responses, survivors and families of the victims are now gearing up to sue the military. Their strategy? A lovely little game of musical chairs with lawyers who specialize in tragedy. Someone cue the heartstrings!

The Herlings are now launching their own nonprofit, aptly named Rising Over Brokenness. Coincidence? Absolutely not! Their brother’s dubious legacy is being transformed into a cautionary tale, sprinkled with just the right amount of shame and overshadowed by a few blue hearts for the victims permanently etched onto their lawn.

Meanwhile, the compassionate Leroy Walker, father of one of the victims, is over here praising the gunman’s family for their strangely non-villainous behavior and claiming, “It’s not their fault.” Well, isn’t that sweet? A dysfunctional family is just what we all need after a community tragedy!

In conclusion, while the Herling family might be trying to rewrite their story, the absurdity and contradictions of this tragic event serve as a stark reminder: sometimes, we laugh to keep from crying in the chaotic circus that is life. Let’s raise awareness the right way, shall we?