Maine Lobster Industry Delays New Rules to Give Baby Lobsters More Time to Prepare for a Life of Being Thrown Back into the Ocean

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PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — In a move that brilliantly illustrates our capacity for collective shortsightedness, fishing regulators are dragging their feet on stricter lobster fishing rules while baby lobsters start to vanish like my will to live during a mandatory Zoom meeting. You’d think a significant decline in tiny lobster populations due to rising ocean temperatures would get a few alarm bells ringing, but here we are, debating whether an increase in size limit from “just slightly less than a pencil mark” to “might actually fit in my lunchbox” is too much for our beloved fishermen.

After much deliberation, the regu-lobstermen decided to delay the new size requirement until July 1, 2025—because nothing screams urgency like giving crustaceans a two-and-a-half year grace period to decide if they want to survive or not. The Atlantic States Marine Fisheries Commission also claims a staggering 35% drop in young lobsters calls for change. But honestly, who cares about that when profits from lobster rolls are still rolling in like the tide?

Local fishermen—those brave protectors of the crustacean kingdom—are largely opposed to the “much-too-narrow” gauge increase, arguing it’s a little too inconvenient when the ocean is stressing them out with rising temperatures and surging expenses. They dare to suggest that tossing under-sized lobsters back into the water might disrupt their lucrative business as they cry about being out-competed by Canadian fishers who probably don’t even exist. Poor guys, right?

Kevin Kelley, the spokesperson for the Maine Lobstermen’s Association, must be a natural comedian too. He claims the delay is a blessing, allowing U.S. fishermen the precious time to strategize on how to bring in the bucks without interrupting their ongoing argument with Canada about who gets to feast on the biggest lobsters. Even as they contemplate the ecosystem collapsing around them, it seems all they can think about is keeping their edge over their friends up north. Absurd priorities much?

As scientists continue to shake their heads at the absurdity of it all—telling fishermen, “Hey, the water’s getting warmer and lobsters are dying,” it appears we’re more worried about keeping rolls at $900 million than protecting actual living species. Rep. Jared Golden, our local tournament of spin doctors, insists the reports of lobster population declines are “outdated,” reminding us all that nothing says “I care” like sticking your head in the sand when the tide is turning against you.

As we toast to sustainability at a lobster boil while the underaged crustaceans drown in neglect, let’s remember this: the lobsters may be on the verge of extinction, but at least our seafood prices won’t collapse for a few more years—just think of it as a “couple years of living dangerously” scenario until the last lobstermen’s tear swells up… and then it’s just a buffet.