IDF Announces ‘Evacuate Now’ as New Tourist Attraction in Tyre: Experience War from a Safe Distance!

[ad_1]
In a stunning display of commitment to crisis management, Israel has reportedly dropped a few more bombs on Tyre, Lebanon, because nothing says “We’re here to help!” quite like an airstrike. Witnesses confirmed this, likely while sipping their morning coffee and pondering the absurdity of life under such delightful circumstances. Only three hours prior to the fireworks display, the IDF casually sent out a postcard—sorry, a tweet—urging locals to vacate the premises, because nothing ties a community together like a heartfelt eviction notice amidst explosions.

Arab Media Spokesperson Avichay Adraee took to X/Twitter (the new hip watering hole for international declarations of war) to explain that residents should steer clear of areas marked in red. We can only imagine the confusion this must have caused; “Is it a new art installation or a warning? I can never remember where the danger zone is!” He reassured the citizens that although the incoming missiles might seem a bit aggressive, rest assured, “We don’t intend to harm you,” which is the modern version of “It’s not you, it’s me,” delivered with a side of incoming destruction.

But let’s give credit where it’s due: At least they’re giving the folks in Tyre detailed directions. “Head north of the Awali River!” Alright then, because bailing out of a hotspot with just a general “Get out!” would just be too easy, and let’s not kid ourselves—who wouldn’t want a little geographical scavenger hunt in the midst of an aerial show?

Adraee, in his best attempt to minimize panic, also noted that “being nearby Hezbollah facilities puts your life in danger,” which—just a thought—might also apply to being next to any military action. But hey, at least they’re trying to put a positive spin on things. After all, it’s all Hezbollah’s fault for having fun with combat equipment; clearly, the IDF is just the unfortunate fire department in an arsonist’s ballpark, forced to extinguish the flames while the rest of us sit back and enjoy the irony. So, remember folks, if you find yourself in Tyre, dress appropriately—perhaps in shades of red?