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In a historic plot twist worthy of a Netflix drama, Major League Soccer (MLS) has not only set attendance records this season, but also discovered a few new ways to sell sponsorships like they’re hot cakes at a Sunday brunch—thanks to everyone’s favorite footballer, Lionel Messi, and some questionable corporate best practices.

The MLS is doing what anyone who’s tried to save a sinking ship would do: it’s inviting a bunch of Olympians to join the party. Yes, Messi and Luis Suárez have stampeded their way into the league, making good on the American public’s “We want famous people!” demand. It’s like a celebrity-obsessed reality show, but instead of drama, they just kick a ball around occasionally.

The numbers are impressive enough to make any accountant shed a tear of joy. A whopping 11.5 million fans decided that attending MLS matches was their new personality this past season, marking a 5% increase from last year, which comfortably positions the league right behind the NFL and the NBA in the “We Actually Have Fans” competition. Each match averaged 23,234 attendees, which statistically means the majority of people couldn’t find anything better to do on a weekend than watch a bunch of guys dramatically flop on the grass.

Inter Miami's Lionel Messi controls the ball
Inter Miami’s Lionel Messi putting in *actual* work during a match, rather than just existing on social media.Chris Arjoon / AFP – Getty Images

The MLS wasn’t about to rest on its laurels, though. With Messi’s *eternal* presence, Inter Miami somehow managed to break the record for most points in a season. Spoiler alert: Messi scored a hat trick! That’s three goals for those of you not fluent in soccer-speak, akin to the delicious feeling of finding an extra fry at the bottom of the bag—unexpected but totally welcome.

Now let’s talk business. New VP Chris McGowan has stepped in to treat the league like a startup in Silicon Valley. Think of him like that friend who interchangeable does everything: from sharing “best practices” to helping the New York Red Bulls figure out their premium seating options. Because nothing says professional sports like consulting for overpriced chairs.

Kicking Off New Levels of Absurdity

As a result of all this on-field shenanigans, sponsorships are springing up like dandelions in spring. The league signed a whopping 18 new partner companies who surely thought, “Why not?” Sponsorship revenue is up 13%—because nothing screams ‘I love soccer’ like a patch for a delivery app or a chain restaurant on a player’s jersey.

And let’s not forget the celebrity effect—Messi’s jersey isn’t just a hit; it practically has its own fan club. It reigns supreme as the best-selling jersey globally, which also speaks volumes about society’s priorities.

Lionel Messi celebrates after scoring
Messi momentarily puts his phone down to celebrate scoring—a rare phenomenon.Chris Arjoon / AFP – Getty Images

In the era of social media, the MLS is crashing records—gaining followers on TikTok faster than your aunt can share a cat meme. The league’s TikTok game is almost as strong as Messi’s social media presence, with Inter Miami snagging 9.4 million followers. Clearly, they’ve realized that making laughable content can rival training regimens in drawing a crowd.

But when it comes to TV viewership, MLS is doing its own thing, thanks to an exclusive deal with Apple that sounds like it was penned by a bunch of college students learning about media rights. Who needs a wide audience when you can have a niche one that values overpriced streaming services? Apple executives claim that the viewership has skyrocketed since Messi graced the league. So now fans can enjoy a romantic evening of soccer with their subscription fees—love at first watch!

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