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In a shocking twist that can only be described as performance art at this point, former President Donald Trump and his merry band of transition wizards have decided that preparation for a presidential transition is best tackled with the same enthusiasm as a cat avoiding a bath. With just 13 days left on the electoral countdown clock, political experts and the Democratic Party have started setting off alarms that even a fire drill at a clown college would envy.
In a classic display of political gymnastics, Trump’s troupe has gracefully sidestepped crucial deadlines that, until now, were considered the bare minimum for transitioning into the White House—like forgetting to pack your pants before heading to a job interview at a nudist colony. They’ve broken with tradition so spectacularly that one might wonder if their guidebook is a knock-off of “How to Ruin Everything” by the legendary Authoritarian Press.
As of September 1, it was anticipated that both Trump and his trumpet-playing sidekick Kamala Harris would be signing a memo with the General Services Administration, which would let them waltz right into office space, communications setups, and all the snazzy IT support one could dream of. Apparently, the only thing Trump’s team is interested in transitioning is the fine art of procrastination.
By the time October rolled around, both campaigns were also supposed to have a separate memorandum locked in with the White House, covering who gets access to the sacred halls of power, aka the room filled with men in suits hiding the occasional emergency button. Spoiler alert: team Trump didn’t even bother to sign the guest book.
Max Stier, the head honcho at a nonprofit that sounds way more serious than this circus, voiced his concerns, warning that without a little transition forethought, Trump’s 2024 sequel might debut with the elegance of a toddler’s first ballet recital. “Oh dear, it’s a significant challenge to pick up the baton without tripping over your shoelaces,” he lamented, likely with a heavy sigh.
Democratic Rep. Jamie Raskin has taken it upon himself to issue an eloquent love letter to Trump and his vice presidential Beau, Sen. JD Vance, labeling their actions as “a spectacular disregard for our democratic norms,” which, when read aloud, surely sounds like a lamentation from the last few remaining members of a defunct Dungeons & Dragons club.
And just like the punchline of a bad joke, without these memoranda in place, the outgoing Biden gang won’t have the foggiest idea how to fill the incoming Trump team in on all the secrets—like, “How to use the coffee machine” and “Avoiding the president’s Twitter feed at all costs.”
Valerie Boyd, director of the Center for Presidential Transition, weighed in dramatically, noting the importance of the incoming president meeting with federal agencies and possibly avoiding screaming matches over who forgot to refill the office’s candy jar. “We want a transition smoother than a greased pig at a county fair,” she said, full of hopes and dreams that probably included a world where everyone shares information like kids trading Pokémon cards.
So here we are, ladies and gentlemen—at the intersection of chaos and comedy, where the fate of national security hangs on a string, and maybe, just maybe, whether or not someone remembers to bring a sharpened pencil to this epic game of geopolitical charades. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride to the future—or a complete freefall, depending on how charmingly incompetent you find the whole spectacle!
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