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With less time left before Election Day than it takes to finish a cold pizza, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump are engaged in a bizarre two-week wrestling match for votes in battleground states, where poll numbers are closer than two roommates fighting over the last slice of pizza. Taking cues from college textbooks, both candidates are suddenly very interested in young voters, who’ve apparently decided that their vote should be as impactful as their Instagram filters.
In this voting frenzy, college students have discovered the genius loophole that allows them to register in “either their hometown or where they attend college.” So, naturally, some bright sparks have chosen to steer their ballots into swing states, because why bother making a difference in a region where their votes have all the weight of a paper straw?
According to a poll, Harris and Trump are tied at an exhilarating 49%. Makes you wonder: does anyone even remember what they were fighting about in the first place? Almost like watching two stand-up comedians competing for a punchline. “Vote for me!” “No, vote for me!” Meanwhile, the nation grapples with the pressing issue of whether pineapple belongs on pizza.
Clarissa Unger, co-founder of the Students Learn Students Vote Coalition – an organization fighting to make sure college kids can flex their voting muscles – chimed in with the nail-biter that “every single college student’s vote can be consequential.” Yup, that’s right, the fate of the republic hangs in the balance, riding entirely on if a 19-year-old can drag themselves out of bed to cast a ballot between binge-watching TikToks.
Speaking of motivations, those college kids are also pondering “what’s on the ballot” and “where their vote might actually count,” assuming they can remember what day it is amidst scrolls of class notes and social media updates. Julia Levine, a senior flipping her voter registration faster than she flips pancakes on a Saturday morning, figured her ballot would count more in Pennsylvania, the state that brings more drama than a reality TV show.
Meanwhile, in Georgia, Alyssa Lopez, a first-time voter who switched from New Jersey to Georgia, is convinced her vote matters more in a battleground state, presumably because she really wants to be part of that nail-biting cliffhanger where one candidate wins by a mere 12,000 votes. “Let’s make a true impact!” she declared, as if the world were waiting with bated breath for her decision on the local taco truck.
Down in Arizona, the student-led Arizona Students’ Association is cranking out registrations at a rate that would make anyone think they’re handing out free pizza with every form. They’re convinced their generation can influence the next presidential election, sort of like how you might convince your friends that pineapple DOES belong on pizza, just so they don’t miss out on something truly remarkable.
And just when you think this circus can’t get any wackier, enter the celebrities. Harris, with the spunk of a caffeinated squirrel, is wooing the youth by sharing stage space with Lizzo, as if the fate of democracy rests on whether young voters can belt out a catchy tune. Meanwhile, Trump‘s using his celebrity endorsements like dice in a game of chance. “Come vote for me!” says the former President, showing up to podcasts with sports analogies that could make even the most cynical voter chuckle.
Amid all this, both candidates are treating social media like their personal meme factory—because nothing says “I care about political issues” like recreating viral TikTok dances. So, buckle your seatbelts, folks! With two weeks to go, it’s anyone’s guess as to who will snag the most votes—because in this American political drama, anything can happen, and usually does.
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