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In a stunning display of political acrobatics rivaling a three-ring circus, former Rep. Debbie Mucarsel-Powell has decided that a late fundraising push could magically turn her Senate campaign into a blockbuster success—Florida style! Who knew campaign financing was like a last-minute lottery ticket? Just one lucky draw away from victory, folks!
Coincidentally, her campaign has dropped a fresh ad that paints GOP Sen. Rick Scott as a “snake” with a fatal squeeze grip on Florida families. Because nothing says “trust me” like an image of a snake in a campaign ad. It’s all very straightforward: vote for Debbie, who’s definitely not a chimera from a failed sci-fi movie, over the slithering villain from a soap opera.
The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) has reportedly decided to splurge “millions” on a couple of Senate races in Florida and Texas, which are about as likely to flip as a pancake at a circus tent. But hey, why not? The odds are only slightly worse than winning on a scratch-off ticket!
Mucarsel-Powell’s campaign is reporting that, after touting Scott’s numerous “achievements” in the medical world of Social Security, Medicare, and abortion—three party favorites—voters’ reactions have been… let’s just say, less than enthusiastic. “So, imagine you’re at a party and three people walk in: Mr. Social Security, Ms. Medicare, and Abortion Bob. You’re not gonna chat, are you?” described campaign manager Ben Waldon with a flair for the dramatic.
Meanwhile, Scott’s camp is standing firm, insisting that their guy is focused on rescuing Floridians from disaster rather than playing political games—because hurricanes love a good photo op, and nothing screams “leadership” like throwing a life preserver while your opponent is busy drafting memos like a last-minute college essay.
In a perfect touch of irony, Scott’s adviser, Chris Hartline, dismissed Mucarsel-Powell’s plea for sympathy, claiming her memo was “science fiction.” Is that another way of saying she’s out of touch? Or perhaps it’s just a promo for the next big political blockbuster? Either way, it’s a classic case of “you scratch my back while I squeeze your wallet,” with a hurricane twist! Welcome to Florida politics, folks—it’s like a theme park, except the rides are a lot more nauseating.
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